A Beginner's Guide To Christmas

Boxing Day: Guests

After another game of Mouse Trap, which I roped Stephen and Aubrey into joining in with (I don't care about the eight-hour flight, Mum), the guests started to arrive. Mr and Mrs Jeffries from next door were first (they do have first names but, despite being in my late twenties, I'm not allowed to use them). They brought a box of Belgium chocolates (unwanted Christmas gift?) and made a huge fuss of the kids so they were quite welcome in my book. Uncle Ray, Aunty Pat and the Demon Twins not so much. 

'Have you put more weight on, Ruth?' Aunty Pat enveloped me in a tight hug, choking me with both the squeeze and the half-bottle of perfume she was wearing so I couldn't answer the cheeky bitch. 'Still, that's a very pretty top. Lovely and bright.' She patted my arm and moved on to her next victim, which happened to be Dad as he hadn't moved quickly enough. 

'That bloody woman,' he muttered when she wafted off to poison somebody else with her tongue and fumes. 'I'm not going thin on top, am I?' He dipped his head at me so I could inspect his hair. 

'Nope, your hair's lovely and thick up there, Dad.' 

'Thanks, love.' Dad narrowed his eyes at Aunty Pat, who was now criticising Aubrey's 'nasally' accent. 'I'm off up to the loft. Don't tell your mum or her where I am.' 

Lesson 25: Try to find a secret hideaway for when annoying guests arrive. 

'Where's your dad?' Mum hissed in my ear, fake smile plastered on her face and a large glass of sherry in her good hand. 'She's his sister-in-law. Why do I have to put up with her while he hides?' She lowered her voice and attempted to indicate her boobs in a subtle fashion. 'Am I drooping? She says I could do with a lift.' 

'Don't be daft. You look great. I only hope I look as good as you when I'm in my fifties.' 

Mum's cheeks turned pink and the smile became genuine. 'Really?' 

Lesson 26: Lying through your teeth isn't always a bad thing. 

Mum gasped. 'Oh dear god, she's playing with your great-grandma's vase.' Mum dashed across the room, sherry splashing onto the carpet. 'Lesley, sweetie, don't play with that. It's very old.' 

Good luck, Mum. 

The doorbell chimed, signalling the arrival of more neighbours and more chocolate. I led them through to the sitting room and snaffled a box of chocolates, squirrelling it away for later. 

'Remind me to stay at home next year,' Stephen said as I flopped down next to him on the sofa. 

'I think I'll do the same.' My housemates would be with their families for Christmas so I'd have the house to myself and that sounded blissful as I watched the room filling with even more people. A couple of Dad's workmates had arrived with their wives and yet more chocolate. Couldn't they have brought booze with them? 

'Has anybody seen Louie?' Mum asked, laughing to mask her irritation at Dad's disappearance. 

'I could always come to New York next year. Stay with you and Aubrey.' 

'As long as you don't offer to cook.' 

I elbowed Stephen in the ribs. 'Hey, you weren't much better than me. At least I put my food in the oven.' 

'And burnt it to smithereens.' 

I stuck my tongue out at Stephen while he laughed. He stopped suddenly and I followed his gaze, my jaw dropping at the sight. The room began to titter while I felt my face start to burn as the Demon Twins waddled into the room, a cup of one of my bras on each of their heads. The little shits had been rifling through the drawers in my bedroom. 

Lesson 27: Get. A. Lock. 

'Get that thing off your head.' Aunty Pat strode towards them, plucking the bra from their heads and dumping it on my lap. 'I believe this belongs to you. Interesting choice of colour, darling.' 

'Aunty Ruth?' Riley asked from across the room. 'Why is your bra so big?' 

I wanted to die as the room began to titter even louder, including Stephen who was vibrating beside me. Bastards, the lot of them. 

'I need a drink. A big one.' 

With my face on fire, I made my way to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of wine. Aubrey followed me and apologised, which I appreciated far more than Stephen's girlish giggling. The buffet was set out on the kitchen table, still wrapped in cling film, and I decided to make an early start on it. If I covered it all again, Mum wouldn't notice. 

Lesson 28: Food and alcohol is never the answer. But it is satisfying, albeit temporarily. 

I'd only managed a couple of sausage rolls when the kitchen door opened. I shoved the last piece into my mouth and did my best to throw the cling film back over the plate. Mum eyed my bulging hamster cheeks with suspicion but Aunty Pat was on her heels. 

'What a delightful buffet, Vee. Very eighties. Is it supposed to be retro?' 

Mum shot me a look, saying I'm going to kill your aunt. I stepped away, turning a blind eye to her murderous intent. I'd leave them alone in the kitchen. Where plenty of weapons lay. 

Not satisfied with the little I'd eaten, I decided to unearth my chocolate stash and sneak upstairs with it. But when I looked behind the giant plant pot in the hallway, the box of chocolates had gone. 

Lesson 29: If you're going to hide chocolate, do it well. 

The missing chocolate was the final straw. This Christmas sucked. Not only had I been made to cook and bake and play nanny to a bunch of kids, I had to put up with Aunty Pat, the Demon Twins and a chocolate thief. I couldn't wait to return to my annoying housemates and go back to working for my lazy pig of a boss. Christmas was officially shit. I was going to go and pack, ready to leave first thing in the morning. 

Stomping up the stairs, I flung the bedroom door open and stopped in the doorway. I'd forgotten all about Gideon being here but there he was, the lazy bugger, still snoring in bed. I slumped on the bed, hoping the movement would wake him. It didn't. 

'Are you two going to shag?' 

Demon Philip was standing in the doorway, leering at me. Brown gloop encircled his grin and shiny wrappers were tumbling out of the pockets of his trousers. 

'You!' I leapt from the bed, my finger jabbing in his direction. 'You nicked my chocolate.' 

'No I didn't.' Philip yelped as I grasped his arm and yanked him into the room. 'Get off me, you fat cow.' 

That was it. I'd really had enough. 

'Ow! Ow! Get off, you fucking psycho! Owwww!' 

'What's going on?' Gideon sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes. 

'Yes, Ruth. What is going on?' 

I released Philip's wrist at the sound of Aunty Pat's voice. She stood in the doorway, arms folded across her chest, lips puckered and eyebrows arched as she awaited an explanation. 

Lesson 30: If you're going to give a kid a Chinese burn, make sure you don't get caught in the act. 

The End 

Merry Christmas from Jennifer and Ruth