A Beginner's Guide To Christmas

Christmas Day: Christmas Is (Unfortunately) All About The Kids - Part II

It was difficult to explain my relationship with Gideon. We met in the pub and though I wasn't bowled over by his looks or wit (which I had yet to discover), we somehow ended up together. Gideon was lazy, unreliable and as attentive as a dirty dishcloth but I had never disliked him as much as that night, as I gave him a prod and asked him to help me wrap the neglected presents. 

'What's the point? They'll only be unwrapped in a few hours.' 

I was about to argue my point but Gideon was already snoring so I left him to it, slipping out of the warm bed and creeping down the stairs. I couldn't leave the presents unwrapped, the bloody Scrooge, especially not the children's. Bah Humbug to that idle sod. 

I wrapped the gifts, leaving them under the appallingly decorated tree before creeping back up to bed where The Grinch had snatched all the covers and was still snoring away. I managed to prise an inch of duvet and had clamped my eyes shut for what seemed to be a matter of moments before I was wrenched from sleep by two small bodies bouncing up and down on the bed. 

'For fuck's sake,' Gideon growled from beneath the covers and for once, I agreed with him. 

'Austin, Riley. Go back to bed.' Please. 

'But it's Chriiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaaaas!' Since when had Riley turned into Noddy Holder? 'Get up, Aunty Ruth. Get up.' 

'Yeah, get up Aunty Ruth.' Austin punctuated his demand with a bounce for each word. 

'But it's only...' I reached out for my phone to check the time. Jesus. What time? 'Quarter to six. It's not morning yet. Go back to bed.' 

'But it is morning,' Riley insisted, tugging at the covers. 

Lesson 17: If there are kids in the house, even if they aren't yours, put a lock on your bedroom door. 

'Riley, Austin. Get out of there.' Aubrey was in the doorway, squinting eyes trying to throw an apologetic look my way. A wide-awake Ryder was on her hip, gummy grin already in place. 'I told you not to disturb Aunty Ruth and Uncle Gideon.' 

'I'm not their fucking uncle,' I heard Gideon mumble from beneath the covers. I gave him a kick. 

'Come on, let's go downstairs for breakfast.' Aubrey motioned for the kids to get off the bed and follow her but they remained where they were, Austin squashing my feet while Riley perched on my bladder. 

'I want pancakes and I want Aunty Ruth to make them,' Riley said. 

No chance, kiddo. Had she not seen yesterday's charred gingerbread? And it was quarter to six in the morning. 

'I'll make you pancakes.' Aubrey motioned for the kids to follow her again but they didn't budge, even when I gave them an encouraging nudge. 'Downstairs now otherwise I'll phone Santa and tell him you don't deserve your gifts.' 

'Will he take them back?' Riley's bottom lip was trembling as she asked. 

Aubrey hesitated before answering, wavering between getting the children to do what she asked and devastating them. 'Yes, he'll take them all back to the North Pole.' Good girl. 

Austin and Riley leapt from the bed, Riley's knee giving me one last jab in the bladder before they scarpered. 

Lesson 18: The threat of Santa works wonders. If only it could be used all year round. 

Of course I couldn't go back to sleep. I could hear the kids downstairs, excited at seeing that Santa had been but whining because they couldn't touch their presents yet. Plus, thanks to Riley, I needed a wee. 

Mum, Dad and Stephen had joined Aubrey and the children in the kitchen by the time I admitted defeat and trudged down the stairs. Aubrey had made thick, fluffy pancakes for everyone so it was almost worth the early wake up call. 

'Should I make some for Gideon?' 

Poor na\u00efve Aubrey. 'I wouldn't bother. He probably won't even be awake for the Queen's speech.' 

Despite her demand for pancakes, Riley had yet to touch her breakfast, her excitement at Christmas having taken her hunger away. Stephen and Aubrey spent an agonising half an hour trying to coax the kid to eat, offering alternatives to the pancakes, but she refused. I'd have thrown the towel in and let her open the presents - anything to stop the charade - but they were determined and Riley finally ate half a banana. I thought that would be it and the whining could finally cease. 

Poor na\u00efve Ruth. 

'One more minute, Riley. I need to set up the camcorder.' Stephen was rifling through his carry-on case for more batteries while Austin and Riley wailed about their presents. Even Ryder joined in, though he didn't know what the fuss was all about. 

Lesson 19: Have camcorders\/cameras\/batteries ready. Don't dangle the carrot of presents in front of kids and then make them wait. It isn't fair on the kids - or any bystander's ears.