The Boy Who Cared For My Bruises And Scars

part 10

His steps seemed to get slower and it seemed like forever until he stopped a foot in front of me. I tried to breathe but I felt like he would stop me. His eyes looked unclear and sad. But I had no pity for this man. I barely thought of him as my father. 

My family on my left and right silenced and stared at my father and me. I felt the heat rise to my face, for I didn't know what to do in this moment. He decided to break the silence.

"I'm glad you came." he said after clearing his throat. His eyes roamed to the floor. I did the same. 

Thankfully the music started and everyone was told to sit down for the service. My dad led me to the front row and I sat next to him with Dana on my right side. She placed her hand on my shoulder and stroked my back gently. Then a man, who I suspected was a preist or something, went up and stood behind a podium.

"Hello family and friends of Suzan Jade. Today we are here not to mourn, but to celebrate the life Suzan was given. During this service, we have a slideshow of pictures from Suzan's life, her family, her husband, her daughter Sky, who is with us today, and pictures of when she was young. There will also be open mich after the slideshow so you can share your memories of Suzan. Let's open with a prayer."

Everyone bowed their heads and I sneeked  a peek around the room. My cousins were all sitting around the room. I wonder how they were, how the last family reunion was. My thought roamed elsewhere while the pastor rumbled on some words that wouldn't help anything. Why pray for my mom if she was dead? There were so many thoughts pulling me towards the door. But this is where I had to be. 

"Amen." Then a screen came down from the ceiling and a slideshow started to play. Pictures of my mom started sliding across the screen. They were right there in front of my face and seemed to be taunting me. Her baby pictures popped up, the picture with her first birthday cake all over her face, her first day of school, her loving parents... I thought it couldn't get worse until pictures of my family and me started to appear. I saw the faded pictures of family picnicks, Christmas pictures, my first day of school.. It all looked so fake. The pictures didn't look like it actually happened. A tear rolled down my cheek and I remembered the fake smiles, and being scared to death at these exact moments. How could everyone sit heree and look at these and think they miss these times? That part of my life was hell, and I thought I would never have to look back. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder but realized it wasn't Dana's. I peered over at my father who was teering up as well. I held my breath, for the last time he had laid his hand on me, I had a big bruise on my arm. His eyes roamed around the room then looked into mine. I saw the pain and hurt in his eyes but tried to shut out the feelings I was feeling. He had no right to try and comfort me. He had no right to try and be my father again. It didn't feel right.

The slideshow was over, and the mic was soon open. It was silent for a moment, then family members started piling around the mic. They said sweet "surface-y" things that didn't explain my mom at all. 

"She always brought a smile to this family, she might have got on the wrong track, but we all knew her and loved her for who she really was," said my grandma. Everyone, besides me, teared up when my grandma spoke. She was always good at capturing people's hearts. Everyone seemed captured by these good memories of my mom and was sad she left.

I wouldn't describe how I felt about this situation sad and mourningful. I feel sad that my mom had to die the way she did, and that I never got to know the real her. But everyone here was sad she left. I tried to talk myself into missing her, yet how could I? These people never knew my mom like I did. Not even her own mother. 

The room went silent, and the front of the room was empty. I could feel the push from everyone in the room leading me toward the mic. The words might not come to me and I might say something stupid. But she was my mom, of course I had to say something. My father looked over at me and whispered, "Go up there with me?" I breathed as deep as the ocean and calmed my waters to take this step. We both stood up in unison, like we were mimicking each others' steps. 100 pairs of shiny, beedy eyes centered their focus right on us. I paused and stuttered something into the mic but was speechless. I looked to my father for help. He just nodded and took my place in front of the mic.

"First of all, I want to thank you all for being here. It means a lot. Secondly, I just want to say," he breathed as if letting a load of bricks go off of his shoulders and looked right at me. "I'm so sorry. Suzan and I made so many mistakes, as you are all probably aware. We went through a period in our lives where we numbed the pain with substitutions for the love we should've found together as a family." There was a silence only God could break with his sounding trumpets. I stared at the floor, feeling my father's stare digging deep inside me. i gulped. He noticed and finished his speech.

"We are so glad Sky is here today. Suzan would've loved to know that. And I want you to know, I loved her with all of my heart. No one else was like her. She will be dearly missed. Thank you."

"Golf-claps" and quiet sobs surrounded my tone-deaf ears. Everyone had tissues to wipe away their tears, as I felt like mine would never go away. My father then stepped next to me and whispered in my ear "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, everyone will understand." I shook my head and quickly wiped my eyes. The room again went silent when I tapped the mic.

"Hello. I'm Sky, Suzan's daughter-" I mumbled. Slowly the words poured out. "today- is a day to mourn, but a day to remember... But I can't remember. I haven't lived with my parents for a long time. But one thing I do remember, is how much they loved each other. I knew that my dad- my dad loved my mom so much-" I covered my face so no one could see the ugly it made when I cried. Dana rushed up to the podium and wrapped her arms around me. I cried. And cried. And cried.

My grandma soon ran up by my side and started kissing my head a million times whispering soothing words, like I remember she used to do when I was little. The whole room started filling with tears pouring down from each rosy cheek. It was a moment not to be forgotten.

When I was finally cool and collected, with most of my family standing now behind me, I stepped up to the podium once again.

"I know she was a great person. It hurts to see my mom go. The good memories will still live on. Because no matter what, I loved my mom- Thank you." The whole room broke out in applause of joy. The burden had been lifted off my chest. All that crying let off 17 years of steam that was suffocating me.

The crowd started to disperse after the pastor said something. I scanned the crowd looking for one person. But he was nowhere to be found. I said goodbye to every person, whether I remembered them or not, and managed to get out of the funeral home in one piece. Dana had told me she would wait in the car for me as I said my goodbyes. As i walked out the swift doors, I saw his figure leaning against his car. I looked over to a crying man who looked so in need of a daughter. So I ran to him. He looked up.

"Hi," I said to him for the first time since the first grade. He grinned. 

"Hi." 

~

" 'Hey this is Teddy, please leave a message after the-' BEEP!" said the voice on the other line.

"Hi Teddy," I said into the speaker, wishing he was listening at the moment. "it's me. I know we haven't spoken since that incident, but I had to tell you something. I met my dad again, we talked. I moving back in with him. He needs help and he needs family right now. So do I... So I'm moving next weekend back to my old house. I hope I get a chance to say goodbye. If not... I want you to know that I'm sorry. And I'll miss you- Goodbye Teddy." Click.