Forever is a Lie- A Larry Stylinson Fanfic

Chapter 5

January 25th 12:36 pm

We lay on the couch. Harry's arms embracing me. Holding me close, as if I would slip away if he let go. His body heat keeping me warm. His hand playing with the fringe of my hair. His lips placing soft kissing to my head. I wish I could freeze this moment in time, so even after he was gone, I'd still have this moment to go back to. To relive it over and over again.

"Lou!?" He says. I can here the hint of fear in his voice.

"Yeah? What?"

"I've been calling your name for like the last 5 minutes. What's wrong?"

"Oh. Nothing, sorry." I say. This time it was my turn to lie. This time I wasn't going to tell him what I felt. This time the tables had turned and he knew it.

"Its fine." He says reluctantly. "Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure Harry." I say kind of snappy. I look up and give him a smile to show him I'm not mad. He looks at me for a while and I know he wants to say something, but something else is stopping him. Something else is blocking his words. I lower my head and rest it back on Harry's chest. Moments pass with no sound. I couldn't tell if Harry was mad at me or he was just thinking. I was about to ask him, before he started to speak again.

"You know Lou. I've been thinking."

"About what?" I say, kind of frightened to hear what he has to say.

"Us."

"What about us?" I almost can't get the words out of my mouth. I've had this nightmare before. He was going to end things with me. He was going to say he found someone better. Even though he has cancer, and he's dying, I know that Harry could find anyone easily. And now I know that he has. Someone better. Someone smarter. Someone who's not me.

"Lou...It's just I don't know if I can." And here it comes. The whole 'its not you its me speech.' I can feel the tears prickling my eyes. I feel my throat clench and go dry. But I have to force the words out. I need him to tell me goodbye.

"If you can what?" He takes a long pause. So long that if he hadn't started talking soon, I would have just got up and smacked him for not ending this quicker.

"I don't know if I can die. I don't know if I'm ready to die." The words set me off guard.

"What?" I ask dumbfound.

"I said I don't think I'm ready to die. And the worst part is I don't even have a choice."

"Harry, I don't think anyone truly wants to die."

"Well what about people who take their lives? They want to die, don't they? Or people who are in so much pain, that death seems like heaven?" I lay there for a moment, to try and form something that made sense.

"I don't think they want to die. I just think the pain makes them do it. The voices in their head try and convince them everyday that they want to do, that it will be better. And I think eventually, it works. They believe the voices. But if you were to ask them, right from the start. Before everything happened, and their world came crumpling down, they wouldn't have wanted to die either. They wouldn't have wanted to leave their family and friends with all that pain. They wouldn't have wanted to, if it was up to them. Pain makes you do crazy things, but even those people are sometimes strong enough to overcome it." The words flow out of my mouth.

Harry takes a moment to think over my words. He starts to trace nonsense patterns on my hips.

"I suppose so." He says. "I just don't want to leave you behind. I should be thinking of a million and one things to say. A million and one reasons why he wouldn't be. I should be thinking of some way to try and tell him I'll be fine. It' ll be ok, but instead only one thing comes to mind. You won't be Harry, because really I'm coming with you.