When a Bird Flies

Chapter 15

I have never been so aware that I'm from California. Winter is here, and I've only seen stormy and absolutely freezing days. What's worse is that I have to wear ten times more layers than anyone else because I didn't grow up with actual seasons. So here I am, an obvious outsider, rolling through London like a snowball in my many coats--not to mention my scarf, beanie, and mittens. Needless to say, I would be pretty easy to spot in a crowd.

Alice has decided to throw a Christmas party at her flat this Saturday night, and it's all she's been able to talk about for weeks. And when Robbie tells her that he'll be able to stop by, her smile lasts for days. When Addison hears about the party, he asks me if I would like him to pick me up so we can drive there together. I nod my head and smile while my heart continues to accelerate from both excitement and utter fear. My feelings for him have only grown since I admitted them to myself, and now every time I see him my breathing becomes shallow and I have no idea what to say, and I hate it because I don't want things to change between us. I don't want to act weird or shy around him, I want to be myself, but as long as I have this crush, that will not be happening.

As soon as Alice opens the door and finds Addison and I standing next to each other on her front step, she smirks.

"Come on in, you two," she says. As I walk into her flat I'm reminded of the first time I went to one of her parties--when I met Addison. Though I was expecting Christmas music to be playing, only loud and obnoxious club songs blare through the walls. Everyone has a drink in their hand and everyone has something red on, so the party can at least look a little Christmasy. Addison sees one of his friends and tells me he'll be right back, and I nod my head. He walks over to a short blonde man and they exchange some type of bro-hug that doesn't make any sense to me before he gestures towards me like he wants me to come over to them. I make my way over and smile at Addison's friend.

"Felix, this is Thea. Thea, this is Alice's brother, Felix," he says. Felix and I shake hands.

"Pleasure to meet you, Thea. This one talks my ear off about you," he says, grinning towards Addison. Addison's cheeks grow noticeably pink and he quickly attempts to change the subject, but before he can say anything I hear Alice call my name from across the room.

"Thea, get away from those tossers and join the do!" She laughs. I'm not sure what "do" means and I stand there in confusion, but Addison leans over and whispers, "That's Brit for 'party'." I give him a slightly embarrassed smile as I whisper back "Thanks" before excusing myself and walking over to Alice, Jackie, and a few other people from the office.

After a little while of being much more social than I ever want to be, I ask Alice where the bathroom is. She tells me that it's the first door on the left, just past the living room. I thank her and start walking, finding the bathroom and closing the door behind me. I hear a couple people talking outside the door, and their voices sound familiar. I crack the door open slightly and see Addison talking with Felix in the living room. I'm about to shut the door and not eavesdrop, and then I hear my name.

"No, it's not like that," Addison says.

"You don't fancy her, then?" Felix replies. Now I know for a fact that he and Alice are related.

"I never said-" Addison takes a deep, aggravated breath. "Look, Thea is... she's incredible, alright? But she's made it quite clear to me that we'll never happen. So, I give up."

"Come on, mate, you can't just give up-"

"Would you rather I give up or pine after a girl for months, knowing the whole time that she doesn't want me back? And now she's become one of my best friends... I've found myself not wanting to go a day without seeing her. I've never been in this scenario before and I have no clue how to handle it," Addison says, his tone stern. My breathing has stopped entirely as I try to remain quiet behind the bathroom door.

"Well, maybe if you actually asked her how she felt..."

"It's too late for that. She's already rejected me once... I don't know if I can take a second time."

"So, you're just going to move on and never know if she feels the same?"

Addison looks down at his shoes. "I... I guess. If just-friends is what she wants, then I can give her that. I mean, I have to if I want to be in her life at all, right?"

I abruptly close the bathroom door. My mind's spinning and my heart's beating out of my chest. I never would have expected this. Addison's had feelings for me this whole time? I thought those feelings ended months ago after that night he tried to kiss me. This changes everything. How can I possibly act like myself around him now? There's no way. I shouldn't have listened in on their conversation. Now there's no going back.

On the drive home, we stay silent. I can feel the tension building as neither of us say what's on our minds. Addison keeps both of his hands on the wheel, glancing at me every so often. For the first time ever, extremely uncensored thoughts about him enter my mind--I want him to pull over somewhere. I shake off the thoughts and wipe my clammy hands on my pants.

"You okay?"

"Yep," I quickly reply. I have to wipe my palms on my pants again. Why do they have to be so damn sweaty?

"Thea, is there something wrong? Did something happen at the party?" Addison looks at me, concern and confusion in his eyes.

"No, no. I'm fine. Really."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely."

He turns his wheel and pulls over, making me completely change my mind about what I thought I wanted. I don't want this at all. I might make a run for it.

"Something's wrong. Talk to me," he says, putting the car in park. I sit there in silence for a moment. Should I admit my feelings to him? Should I tell him I overheard him talking to Felix? Should I spill my guts right here and now? Should I go against everything I believe in and risk it all for something that might not even last? As I look into his big, beautiful, honey-colored eyes, I honestly can't find the right answer to any of my questions.

"Um... I just... I haven't been getting much sleep. It's been making me feel a little out of it. I'll start going to bed earlier," I answer, knowing just how lame that response is. Addison's shoulders slump a bit--I'm sure he was expecting a much different answer too.

"Oh," he replies, "Quite right..." He merges back onto the main road without another word.

That night, I lie awake racking my brain over what I heard. I keep replaying Addison's words over and over and over again. Thea is incredible. I've found myself not wanting to go a day without seeing her. She's made it quite clear to me that we'll never happen. I give up. Would you rather I give up or pine after a girl for months, knowing the whole time that she doesn't want me back? Oh, but I do want him back. I really, really do. So what's stopping me? Why aren't I running straight to his flat right now? Well, for one thing, he's my best friend. I don't want to make things complicated between us and take the risk of losing him. I can't imagine my life without him. He told Felix that if all I wanted from him was a friendship, he would be willing to give that to me. But the thing about that is, I used to just want a friendship. I don't know what I want from him anymore. And what if we don't last? What if we fight all the time? What if we grow apart? What if we realize we want completely different things in life? I don't want to willingly walk towards a broken heart. So then I guess the real question is, is the small chance of real love worth risking everything?