a fever you can't sweat out // ashton irwin

two

christmas day 2015

ALICES POV

i woke up from a great night. i immediately reach over to my bedside table to grab the white and gold box and a lighter. 

i opened the double doors which lead to my private balcony and was welcomed by the bright sun beaming down at me. i had a great view straight onto the beach with the ocean sounds. i try to light a cigarette but fail twice because of the breeze before i finally got it.

i sat down on the plastic chair that i had put there and rested my feet on the railings off my balcony before taking the first drag of my cigarette. the nicotine soothed me in some of the most contradicting ways possible. i suck the life out of my cigarette wishing it would do the same back. 

i watched two seagulls flying over the ocean, i bet they can find love. i hated christmas i didnt really like hanging with my family but this year will be better because i have calum to talk to. 

my phone started buzzing from inside my room. i knew it would be calum so i let it go to voicemail. he would be just telling me his family are on their way over with presents and then christmas can officially start. great.

a few more minutes past as i took another drag from my cigarette only to be startled by two hands being placed on my shoulders. which caused me to shriek and to choke on the smoke. 

"you get scared easy than i thought" calm said grinning whilst running his hands through his hair. "merry christmas alice" he then said leaning forward to hug me.

"jesus christ. i didnt even hear you come into my room. and merry christmas calum" i said trying to catch my breath back to a normal pace. 

"i didnt want to interrupt you, you looked so peaceful" he said leaning against the railing of the balcony.

"i was until you decided to choke me to death" i said taking another drag from my cigarette then chucking it over the balcony. 

he nodded, biting his lip to hold back his laughter.

he was the first person to find out i smoked but thats because he walked in on me. he used to try and convince me to stop but then he just gave up because nothing he said could make me stop. he did a bunch of research about it and said it takes like 10 minutes away from your life every time you have a cigarette. but i didnt really care.

i think he's okay with it now because he knows i only do it most when i feel most stressed. so when more people are around like christmas. i hate making conversations especially adults. i promised him that i wouldn't become a full time smoker like a pack a day. I've kept my promise so far. but this month has been hard seen as though the wedding is soon. i think I've had a pack of cigarettes a week which isnt what i usuallly have but i haven't told him that.

"have you had any sleep" he asked me causing me to jump because no one had said anything in a while. i looked up and saw calum flicking my lighter on and then blowing the fume out. "you've got bad bags under your eyes" he stated.

"er i couldn't get to sleep last night, or any night this wedding thing is making me nervous." i said rubbing my eyes.

it wasn't a lie, i hadn't been able to sleep all month because of the thought of making a speech at the wedding. i really dont want to do one. but it is my brother i can't just not do one. I've attempted to sleep all month but my mind won't focus the only thing it will focus on is that bloody speech. I've tried writing one but it just sounded cringey. what are you even supposed to write in them? 

"thats not good" he said placing the lighter down on the little round table i had and took a seat opposite me. "maybe you should go see someone, maybe ask them about this because I've noticed you always look tired recently are you sure its about the wedding?" he said tensing up because he gave me advice. for some reason whenever people give me advice i just feel angry. i dont know why.