Always

Chapter 32

Once I was on my own, I was free to explore the revelation that had occurred this morning.  My feelings for Harry absolutely terrified and thrilled me at the same time.  I had never experienced such a sudden jolt of absolute certainty about anything, much less my feelings for another person.  There was no doubt in my mind that I loved Harry; every moment I wasn’t with him, I was counting down the minutes until I was with him again. 

The utter fear and pain I had felt last night on his behalf was enough to let me know that what I was feeling was real; I cared for him much more than anyone else in my life, even myself, and seeing him broken like that had rocked me to my core.  There were a lot of feelings I couldn’t put into words, couldn’t find the right way to express, but felt so deeply that they had taken over my life.  I lived and breathed all things Harry, every little detail about him. 

I loved every aspect of him: his shy personality that I had been lucky enough to see opened up and free, his willingness to open up to me when he hadn’t to anyone else before, the fact that I was completely like myself with him, everything.  He was the most beautiful person, inside and out, that I had ever met, much less had the pleasure of being with.

Along with the unadulterated freedom of feeling this love, however, was the nagging fear that refused to subside.  Being this emotionally invested in someone was dangerous, because your entire happiness was dependent on him; everything could be gone in a blink of an eye.  I wasn’t used to being this vulnerable in any relationship, much less this one. 

So far, Harry had, for the most part, been the one who had to trust me; he had to trust that I really liked him, that I wouldn’t leave, that I was sincere, and that he could tell me the things he had told me without fear of rejection or ridicule.  The fact that he had trusted me with all these things made my heart nearly explode.  Now, however, I was the one who felt the anxiety and fear of being vulnerable. 

I knew that Harry had some type of feelings for me, especially after today when he had shown me his song, which was most certainly about me.  It seemed he had the same fears I did: being left, being alone.  The fact that we shared the same fears must mean he felt something similar like love for me, right?  He was so shy about talking about how he felt that I was almost completely in the dark. 

Yes, his actions let me know that he definitely did care for me, that was clear, but it was so hard to tell how much.  I also knew that if anyone were to say it first, it would have to be me.  Sharing feelings and making bold decisions weren’t Harry’s forte.  He was gentle, kind, soft-spoken, everything the men of my past were not, and everything I needed. 

I was decided.  If things went well tonight and the moment felt right, I would tell him.  My heart started pounding just thinking about it, stomach twisting into nervous knots contemplating what he would say.  Would he return the feelings?  Would he not say anything?  Worse, would he reject them?  Part of me thought it would be a better idea not to say anything and just live in ignorant bliss, letting things run along as they were. 

But another part of me, a stronger part, wanted him to know.  I wanted him to know that he was worthy, beyond worthy, of being loved, that he was absolutely perfect to me, that despite his fears, doubts, and desolate past, I love him.  I more than love him; I am in love with him.   

Sorry guys, I know it's really short, but I swear I'll post another part in a few hours.  Thanks for reading! xx