Merthur minis-one shots

IF YOU ONLY READ ONE CHAPTER OF THIS BOOK PLEASE READ THIS

So yesterday i posted a video on my instagram, (@/warlock_merlin)
Here is what it was about

Thank you all for your supportive comments on the video i posted here yesterday. I deleted it because i cant burden you when you don't have evidence it's even true.
You deserve an explanation:
Yesterday my dad told me that my grandma didn't have long to live.
Today he told me her life expectancy is 3 months.
My grandma has a type of carcinoma cancer in her lungs.
She has been smoking since she was 16 and right now she is 75, so i kind of knew it was coming.
About 2010, i walked in on my dad and his siblings muttering quietly, and when i asked what they were talking about they said something like 'we're just talking about how we think she's going to die soon'
And I started to tear up, so i ran into my room and cried.
According to my dad, when i was very very little, i said to grandma 'please don't smoke granma I don't want you to die' but she apparently brushed it off.
My grandma barely made it through the last Christmas, and this year will be my first without her, and fucking hell it hurts to think that.
It's just selfish to think that you smoke for you because, i as an asthmatic naturally hate the smoke, but it kills the family that you are literally having the choice between life and death, and choosing death over small, temporary pleasure to fill the gaps.
For me, it's like someone baring their arm over my lap as they cut it with a dagger, and they whisper in my ear 'it feels good' it 'it wont kill me' but it will.
The blood represents the smoke, and it's like im allergic to the blood, but it is pouring over me. (Inhaling grandmas smoke, and being asthmatic)
Smoking is basically selfharming and slowly committing suicide on the inside and telling people you do it because it feels good.
But it fucking burns me, watching her put the stick in her mouth, and lighting her lungs, while im left to cry over her corpse, suffocating in her ashes.
---
And i know that was dark, im sorry
I actually have exams im meant to be studying for, but i cant focus.
I know i never update
But I really just want to sleep and never wake up so I don't have to deal with another day.
And im sure many of you know i never swear out loud, or in writing because i always hate myself afterwards for some reason,
A few weeks ago i actually did swear, but now they seem to be the only words strong enough to describe how i feel.
Although everytime i write it i hate myself a little bit more.
-Áine (onya)