What I learned from loving a sad boy
Hair
Brown
Curly
Long
Short
Bun
He clutches his hair harder than I ever thought possible
Pulling until knuckles whiten, lightheaded
As if he thought the pain would get rid of his sadness
Eyes
Wet and dry
Red
Pupils dark
He never stopped the drugs
Addicted to anything that would make him happy
But yet he was never addicted to me
I should've known then, we shared the same emotional baggage, and even physical baggage
It would never work
Lips
Quivering
Chewed
Stained pink with blood
And it really baffles me, that someone with such kindness and such compassion could ever say a hurtful thing
But I hear what he says about himself
I hear foul and embitterment and rage
And my amount of love will never surpass his amount of hate
And I wish it could
But I never knew those lips
And I knew I never would
Chest
Heaving
Ribs contracting
Lungs faulty
He couldn't even breathe properly
And maybe because his heart was locked up with the cage of his bones, I can give him a benefit of the doubt
Maybe he couldn't reach out
Maybe he couldn't find the words
Or maybe he didn't want to
Loving a sad boy meant competing with his lifetime devotee; depression
We were no longer alone
This became a poly amorous relationship
And maybe that is why his depression started loving me
Wrists
Scarred
Burned
I can't distinguish his from mine
We started cutting ourselves open to get close
But closure cannot happen when all two of us, pardon me, all three of us live in a cooped up flat
Holding wrists carefully
Bandaging up
Living on one breath
He breathes in what I breathe out
Thighs
Clamped
Stretched
Skin and bone
And no amount of running circles on his knees
Will ever make him calm
No amount of stretch marks will ever make him feel like a tiger
Feet
Strong
Weak
Broken
Pins and needles
He was used to feeling numb
But I wasn't used to him mumbling her name in his sleep
Depression depression
I wasn't used to her pulling him, persuading him to stay in bed with her a little longer
I wasn't used to their solitude
I wasn't used to their eating habits or lack thereof
I guess I just wasn't used to the amount of time they really spent together
and I realized that with her, he could never love me. With her, I could never love myself.
But why is it, with her, I still manage to love a sad boy
