The Magician's Assistant

[8] Mall Adventures

          What’s a sign that you’re just going to be in an awful mood for the rest of the day?

          Wake up and have a morning just like mine.

          I got out of bed earlier than usual – and I get up very early – so I made breakfast for my mom and dad before they went to work. I decided to make a simple breakfast of eggs and toast. As a spur of the moment idea, I even added in bacon. Big mistake.

          “JAMES!” I screamed. “Get the fire extinguisher!”

          I was on fire. Not in the ‘Wow, you’re on fire, Rachel! Doing great!’ way. On fire, meaning, I was soon-to-be engulfed in flames.

          Flames were eating away at my shirt and I slapped it away with my bare hands. My fingers were still sizzling from being attacked by bacon grease. The eggs turned black straight in the pan and the toast began burning in the decrepit toaster. The machine wouldn’t pop the toast back up, so I unplugged it. When I did that, it caused a chain reaction. Everything set on fire. Including me.

          The microwave decided to be a nuisance, too, and not function properly. Having no other choice, I began to boil water on the stove. Mom liked to drink tea in the morning, so I was preparing that for her. Somehow, I had managed to knock it over, spill it all over the floor, and slip on it all at the same time. Did I mention that the water was scalding hot?

          Third degree burns are not a good way to start a day. Just figured I’d make that very clear.

          “Are you kidding me?” I shouted, slapping the remaining flames on my shirt. It couldn’t even qualify as a shirt anymore. It was charred and characterized with large holes around my waist.

Once I managed to extinguish the fire in the kitchen with a hand towel, James decided to make an appearance. He had spent the morning watching T.V. and throwing peppermint candies at me. He’s been dead since I was born, so technically, he’s double my age. James acts as if he’s a toddler sometimes.

          I secretly love it, though. Just not at that exact moment, considering my already frazzled mind-set. How many things could possibly go wrong in one morning?

          I whirled around, opening my mouth to yell at him for not helping. James thought it was be hilarious to choose that moment to spray me with the fire extinguisher.

          I could kill him.

          After being coated in the gross contents of the red canister, I let out a pitiful sigh. “Go watch some more T.V. before I strangle you.”

~* *~

          “School starts in five days,” I stated. “September…ninth,” I read off of the school website.

          “You know what this means?” James said in a girly voice.

          “What?” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.

          “Shopping!” he squealed sarcastically. He even started clapping.

          I glared at him, shaking my head. “That’s right, buddy. And I’m dragging you along too.”

          He coughed into his elbow, feigning sickness, “I’m feeling faint,” he added another pathetic wheeze, “you may have to leave me behind.”

          “Alright, one: you can’t get sick. And two: too bad. Or I’ll do an exorcism to keep you away permanently.”

          I almost laughed at his expression. He was pouting adorably. “Are you ever going to stop threatening me with that?” he grumbled.