Sweet Despondency

September 12th

September 12th

 

 

It’s cold. It doesn’t matter where I go it’s all I can feel.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t feel my fingers or my feet; I’m going numb. It’s killing everything inside me.

There used to be small things that made me happy but I don’t even remember what happiness feels like anymore.

I guess I’m just tired.

Tired of the pain, tired of this unescapable misery, tired of getting pushed around, tired of never being good enough, of being a disappointment. I can’t handle being forgotten anymore, I can’t bear being disgusting, being imprisoned in my skin. I’m tired of everyone’s hate when I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, when I don’t know what makes me a waste of space.

I don’t want to be worthless anymore. I’m tired of feeling unwanted, being rejected and branded as useless.

My life has no purpose anymore; I can’t look forward when I’m just stuck in the background.

I’m insignificant to everyone no matter how hard I try to be a person people may be able to tolerate. It doesn’t matter how much I pretend, doesn’t matter what mask I wear, the fake me is still repulsive.

And it hurts.

It hurts so much

I can’t survive knowing that the people that I thought were my rock can’t stand to be in my presence.

Sleep can’t even save me now; my mind won’t turn off. All I can hear is the voices in my head and they won’t be quiet.

The walls around me are closing in but I don’t have the will to scream anymore, because I know that no one will come to help me.

I no longer fear death; it seems like the only option to escape my demons.

Please promise me to be kind, you are not the only one with scars, just not all of us wear them on the outside. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

And I’ve lost mine.

Everyday I wake up I don’t know if it will be the last time I do.

I’ve given up and I don’t think I’ll be here for much longer.

You told me to kill myself, to hurt myself again because no one would care.

And then you forgot, because it meant nothing to you.

When it meant the world to me.

It’s imbedded its self into my head and I can never forget it.

I’m sorry if I wasted your time.

I don’t know if you’ll hear from me again.

I can’t make promises I can’t keep.

I just don’t want to be here anymore.