Sweet Despondency

November 24th

 

November 24th

 

I don’t know if it’s in my head or everyone can hear the screaming. It’s on repeat in my mind and it’s shattering.

It’s poisoning me.

Every thing’s turning black and white. All the things that brought me hope, gave that prick of colour and content to my world of grey are fading and so am I.

And right now, I hardly no who I am.

I never knew how strong I was until being strong was the only choice I had left.

I’m scaling mountains to smile and the load on my back is only getting heavier and heavier. I’m being crushed from the inside out.

I can’t breathe. And I’m starting to give up on trying to.

You think I’m fine. That because I’m quiet it means I have nothing to say. You don’t realize my silence is just another word for my pain. I might not be talking but my mind is screaming, I’ve just given up on anybody listening.

Just because you can’t see tears on my face doesn’t mean my heart isn’t crying. That all I want is comfort.

Because I’m cold, freezing. My insides are convulsing because you and everyone else left me outside. The storms aren’t just outside your window; the snow, the ice, the lightning, the thunder. It’s all inside my heart.

No, it is my heart.

I’m numb and I’m running but I can’t escape from myself.

I’m alone even in a crowded room.

And the silence is driving me insane.

I try to scream, to penetrate the walls my monster has built but tears are the words my heart can’t say, though they seem like the only words I have.

My life has no happy ending. Well, not one you want to hear. But maybe it’s not about the rainbows and fairy tale endings. It’s about the story that made me who I am.

And I’m tired of crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for me.