what hurts the most

CHAPTER 15.

Some of my classmates still teased us together. Some of Ran's friends teased him of being jealous of Mark (they didn't know that Mark is a relative). They always tried to imply that Ran had always had feelings for me. I didn't fall for that. If he did have feelings for me, he wouldn't have reacted the way he did.

Despite the teasing, we were still good friends. I know we both tried to bring back how close we were. But it became harder to do that because we both had group of friends who didn't mix well together. His group always found a way to tease me. So maybe it was best that we weren't as close anymore. Maybe it was all to protect me. Maybe not.

March 26, 2010. Graduation.

Graduation used to excite me. But at that moment, I didn't want to let go of the institution and the people I was going to leave behind.

Throughout the graduation program, my attention was all on Ran. Every time I'd go up the stage for the introduction, and for accepting awards, I'd look for Ran in the crowd. Checking if he's looking at me because I could feel he was. I'd occasionally catch him, but he'd look for a quick few seconds and then look away. I didn't feel the rush of accepting ribbons and medals because I was waiting for him to acknowledge my achievements – like he always did when I was competing in other schools.

When the even ended, not a lot of students were going home fast. We had quick goodbyes to each other. Some of us weren't really emotional because they are sure they'd see each other again the next year. But the good byes I was sending was different. I was serious and sad to hug my friends good bye. I gave them little letters I printed out – Ran included.

His letter was a bit longer than the rest of them. I can't remember the exact words I put in it, but I said my thank yous. I thanked him for being my friend all these years, for the nickname he gave me that I don't think I'll ever forget, for being honest with me and for protecting from his friends (him not telling them a thing about me confessing my feelings). I thanked him for a lot, and to be honest, almost everything. It was a platonic "thank you & good bye" kind of letter.

When I tried to give Ran the letter, I had to poke him hard because he wasn't paying attention to me calling his name. His mom, who was very amazing and kind to me and who knows that I am one of her son's best friend, was looking at both of us when I gave him the letter. I smiled at him, and walked away.

I wanted to cry so hard that night. It was sad for me because leaving that campus that day didn't only mean I'd be gone until the summer is over. I'd be gone until high school and college. And the possibility of us ever meeting again was faint.

It was sad to leave my friends, and start again somewhere else. But I was also so happy. Happy, because I got the chance to meet wonderful people. Perhaps the best one – Ran.

Of course, Ran eventually met new friends that somehow permanently defined who he is for some people. I had received bad news about him before we all graduated high school. News that I didn't want to believe then. Because I was sure I knew him well enough. I know him.

These are news that are not and should never be taken lightly. I wanted so bad to contact him after hearing the news but he went offline after what happened. I couldn't reach his old phone number, he deactivated his facebook account, he ghosted his Instagram account, his sister isn't posting much about him. There was no way to trace and find him. There's no way to reach out and talk to him.

A lot of people testified about the news – that it was true. It broke me. But somehow, I still believe that the Ran I knew then will always be the Ran that is existing now. Perhaps he just got on the wrong group of friends. Perhaps he let alcohol and poor judgment take over him. Perhaps he was just too young to know any better.

After all these years, he is still my best friend. The best one I ever had. For a while, I wanted so bad to forget him. But when I started to lose pieces of memories I had with him, I got scared. That's why when I revisited a story I wrote 10 years ago, I decided to rewrite and edit the grammar just to keep a memory alive and keep it organized. Every chapter I re-read, I had to pause for a second and cry. Because this story goes further than just puppy love, or a silly crush at age 12.

This story is more than just confessing my feelings for my best friend.

Present day, March 25, 2020, and there's so much I didn't write on this published wattpad story. A lot of them I have forgotten already. But I guess these 15 chapters are highlights of what happened when I was an elementary kid. Bottomline, at least I didn't completely forget about Ran, and the kids in that school.

I started high school in a different city. The ones I left were still classmates up until the end of high school. I started fresh, alone. I met a lot of new people. A lot of great friends, but none of them, I guess, compared to Ran.

After high school, I attended a university in a different city, again. I started fresh, alone. And met a lot more new people. A lot of friends. Jumping from one friend group to another. No one can compare to you, Ran.

All these years, I think I now know why I never felt complete and satisfied, and happier... I was looking for answers from the wrong people. I shouldn't have tried to look for it from romantic relationships, or cool friends. I should've tried making it.

What made our friendship special was the connection we had. You weren't the wave and I wasn't the boat. We were both on board, and both holding the paddle.

And I need that back in my life, right now.

I need you back.

Please... come back... I'm here...

I'm always here.

THE END.