what hurts the most

CHAPTER 14.

Our cold, silent war ended a week after. He initiated the talk. It wasn't as surprising as I thought it'd be, but I was happy. We were finally talking, despite the changed atmosphere between us.

The conversations we had wasn't as long and as fun as it used to. It was always him delivering a message from someone else, like, "Duday, tawag ka ni Angel. Tawag ka ni Ma'am—"

There was a time though when I was left alone inside the classroom. I was playing my own CD mix, trying to fall asleep, when he came near me to ask, "Ayos ka lang ba?" I just nodded. But that was a key moment for me. It showed that the caring Ran I knew from 4th grade, is still the Ran I was friends with in 6th grade. No matter what happens between us, we were friends first – the best of friends, if I dare say so.

So, why would I let the tragedy, that is me confessing my feeling for him, control and decide for our friendship? I care about him, and he can still care about me.

"Pabasa na kasi! Ang damot mo namang nilalang ka." There was a time when we were back on being loud and crazy friends. I was writing more stories and was more open about them than I was in 4th grade and just starting to love literature arts. "Nagsusulat ka pa ng kwento kung hindi mo rin lang naman pala ipapabasa sa akin." He continued.

We were on a break from dance practice when I was writing stories and Roanna wanted to borrow what I had written. Ran saw it, and asked for my permission to read the whole thing, too. I gave in, eventually, but with rules.

"Basta 'wag mo babasahin Chapters 1 and 2. Sa 3 ka agad." Chapters 1 and 2 contained what happened in real life, specifically mine, after the confession and after I knew about his girlfriend. Chapter 3 was fictional, that's why I wanted him to start there.

"'Wag kang mag-alala. Masunurin naman ako e." I smiled at his reply. Because it was true. He followed my wish that no one would find out about what I told him. Only Claris and Maya knew about it. No one else. Not one from his group of boy friends tried to bully me because of it, because not one of them knew.

And for the foundation day, I did mention that teachers LOVE partnering us together on school dances. Sure enough, we were asked to be partners, again. But that was for the last time. I won't be their classmates the years after that. I transferred school after 6th grade.

Since 4th grade, buwan ng wika, 5th grade, nutrition month, 6th grade buwan ng wika, we were always partners or always positioned beside each other.

6th grade buwan ng wika was something I won't forget. Ran and I were always scolded because we hated holding hands. Or...maybe it was just me. I didn't like holding other people's hands. But Ran was already annoyed at our teacher that he grabbed my hands and held it. I wish held on, too. I wish I overcame my disdain on holding hands fast enough, so I could've held his hands longer with a stronger grip.

6th grade foundation dance practice. My partner wasn't originally Ran. I was partnered with a lot of tall boys in the class during practice, but they couldn't find a tall boy who would fit right with my height. Until the realized it was time to stop avoiding pairing Ran and I.

During practice, every time we were asked to start from the top, I would try to steal a glance from him. And I always, always caught him staring at me first.

On the day of the performance, I tried my best to stay calm and collected. I was paying more attention to my friends. After the performance, I was pulled away by my Aunt. She wanted to take a picture of me with my costume. Shy and really uncomfortable to take a picture alone, I pulled Angel to take it with me.

While we were polishing the details of our costume and while my Aunt tries to figure out how to work with the Camera, I saw Ran and his friend at the corner. I thought I saw him watching us, but I tried to shake that thought off. Because why would he?

After the picture was taken, Angel and I went to seat next to Maya who was watching us take pictures the whole time.

"Nakita mo ba ang nakita ko?" I asked her.

"Oo naman! Nakatitig lang sa'yo si Ran habang pinipicture-an ka." I couldn't help but smile. I didn't want to give it any meaning, but I can't help it. Sometimes, these false hopes can be dangerous, but it can simply lighten up anyone's day or week.