First Love

Chapter Seven

  If there was any consolation, I took a little pride in being somewhat more fluent than Giselle in the written world. She may possess the arts of conversing wonderfully in the speaking world, but I took solace in finding comfort in places she would never be able to understand. In books, I am not expected to have a reply, or a response. In a way, I received, and there was no need for me to trade a part of my soul; no exchange to make.  

  Literature was probably the only subject I had the most fun with. It was almost enjoyable to spend hours hunched over some random poem, trying to draw links out of nothing. Once everything clicked, it was as if…I don’t know, it was as if everything in the world could be right. There is that space of moment where the world was perfect, all clouds have silver linings and I could be miraculous. I lived for those moments where flying seemed almost possible and I had no demons prowling in my brains.

  If I was able to substitute Literature for people in the world, I wouldn’t mind. Maybe I would be a little less lonely. Sometimes, I wondered how I came to recognize this hollow emptiness inside me as loneliness. How could one understand the nature of sadness if he had never experienced the warmth of happiness, the brief, fleeting nature of heaven on earth? It was the same logic. How could I have known the pain of being always alone if I never knew how it was like to be with people?

  The answer was simple, really. My one solace, books—they brought me into their worlds and made me feel the comfort of company. It was sad and ironic that my greatest sadness was brought about by my nearest form of happiness.

  In any case, that was my reason for choosing to do Literature. If I could decipher the meaning behind words, maybe I could feel a little less wretched inside because for that moment, I was on the same page as the author.

  I usually tried not to mope in school because it was a waste of time, but I couldn’t help myself as I stared at the rows of books in front of me. I glanced at my watch and sighed. I still had another hour to kill before the next lesson started and I didn’t feel like doing anything but dwell on my inability to interact with humans and wallow in self-pity.

  I know I shouldn’t, but thoughts are never rational.

  Giselle had recovered enough to renew her offer of introducing Galen to her friends. In the past, I would have tagged along but I had grown to learn how to avoid self-inflicted pain. If you don’t fit in, you don’t. There is nothing you can do about it.

  I ran my fingers along the spines of the books, leaving behind my fingerprints and a disturbance to the dust that had settled. I checked my watch again, as if it would make a difference. I leaned against the bookshelf, pushing my hair out of my face. I wished I could have gone to the library near my place instead. The school library barely had anything interesting and it was tiny. I mean, tiny wasn’t bad if it was cosy, but this library had a claustrophobic feel to it that made me extremely uncomfortable.

  Feeling extremely useless and lethargic, I pushed myself up, determined to at least find a book to distract myself for the next hour. With this sudden surge of determination, I marched off the furthest corner of the library, desperate to find something that I haven’t found before.

  I guess I didn’t count on walking into a couple kissing at the far end, shadowed by the dim light.

  You see, a normal person would have just turned away immediately and pretended that nothing happened but I was so confused and emotionally charged that day that I let out an embarrassingly loud squeak.

  The couple broke apart immediately and the glare the guy shot me was so venomous that I wanted to run away immediately. He had cropped blond hair and this muscular built that reminded you of those wrestlers that had too many protein shakes. The girl had a small frame with chocolate locks than ran straight down past her shoulders. She looked abashed and I think she was actually blushing.