Hilarious Quotes

Random

He/She is 90% of the reason I get up in the morning. The other 10% is the need to pee.

Whats this thing you call “Normal”? Is it contagious?! OMG! Don't touch me! I might catch your “Normal!”

Everything GOOD in life is either illegal, fattening, or just plain bad.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

“Latte” is italian for “You paid too much for that coffee.”

“Wal-Mart...Do they like, make walls there?”--Paris Hilton

What's the point of not using something you sell? Thats like Edward Cullen running a cupcake shop. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't go there, because I would. But not to eat, mind you. Only to stare at him then ask for directions to Jacob's house.

I once had a personal trainer and he was asking me what I did for exercise. I answered, “I run.” “Oh! Do you run in the morning or the afternoon?” he asked. “No, just whenever I see food.” I explained to him. “I see the food, I run to it. You know, to make sure I get to it as quickly as possible.”

I have realized there are two things in life you can't change—school and Justin Beiber. Seriously, that kid is EVERYWHERE. No matter how much you try not to, you will see him. No matter how much you avoid his songs, they will stalk you. And then you'll find yourself in the shower one morning singing “Baby, baby, baby ohhh!” and then you'll want to flush yourself down the toilet nearby. Such is life.

Wise people never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Can we just all agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

I like all the music in my iTunes, except when its on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs on my iTunes.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, Pinning the Tail on the Donkey, and getting the remote at just the right height that it finally works—but I'd bet an million dollars everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time....

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Dear Algebra, I'm tired of finding your x. Just accept the fact that she is gone!

After 12 years of counseling, my therapist said something that brought tears to my eyes: “No hablo ingles.” Translation: “I don't speak English.”

In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.