There's something wrong with Phoebe

18 - Phoebe

I was worried as I got ready for the big family dinner. I’d invited Sam, and I knew he’d come, but it would just be so awkward. He’d been looking forward to it so much, and then I’d been stupid and fainted and had to be rushed to the hospital. They presumed it was some sort of side effect to my kidnapping – not just that I hadn’t eaten much and had knocked my head. There was only a little blood, but everybody was convinced I was dying. Sam was so supportive, standing there and holding my hand. There had been nothing wrong with me. I’d felt like an idiot.

I showered, feeling the large lump on the right side of my head which had bashed against the sink. I found it strange showering on my own compared to the communal ones at Jack’s where everybody showered at seven for the below eleven year olds and half past seven for those above. This shower was a lot stronger though – and warm. I got out, wrapping a towel around my hair and drying myself with a fluffy one before getting dressed in my simple, cream dress. It had two layers, and the top was all lacy and threaded with holes in it, and the under of it was slightly darker coloured and more cotton feeling. I slipped it on and admired myself in the mirror, before pinching at the extra fat on my stomach which I hadn’t seen for years. I wrinkled my nose up at it, before sighing and getting to work on my makeup.

Once I was finished, I let my hair fall down out of the towel and brushed it through before drying it off. Then, I went out of the bathroom and into my room, grabbing my bag and the contraption under my bed. I felt sick as I put it inside and wished I didn’t have to do it, before slapping myself on the arm that I’d allowed that thought to cross my mind. I took a deep breath. I couldn’t believe the time had actually come.

I went downstairs where Mum and Kayla looked me up and down, grinning and telling me I looked lovely. I hated the bruising on my arms that was still apparent but I’d attempted to cover them with foundation.  Kayla looked gorgeous, and Mum definitely didn’t look as old as she was. Thomas looked smart and quite cute and Dad…was dressed the same way I’d seen him dress every day. He seemed a little on edge, and jittery anyway. I couldn’t figure him out.

We all got into the car and drove off with music playing on the radio. When we arrived, the town hall looked beautiful with the chairs all laid out around tables covered in white cloths with napkins folded into a neat shape in between each person’s shining cutlery. I ached to think this would all be gone in a couple of hours.

Then, the first guest arrived. It was my Gran who I recognised instantly, as well as the smell of the perfume she’d been wearing since I was born. I hugged her tightly and pulled away, observing her face. Lines had deepened and multiplied, but the broad smile and glimmering eyes remained the same. Her blonde hair still lay in curls down to her shoulders. I warmed to her immediately. It was as if I’d never left around her.

Gradually, aunts and uncles turned up, and I started to remember memories of them taking me to the park, and coming round on Boxing Day as we all shared a Chinese.

I didn’t want to remember these things however. It would just make what I was going to do next even harder. Then, two girls arrived called Frankie and Emma. They were tall with long brown hair, but Frankie was black and Emma was white. A door flickered in my mind, as if I was desperately trying to remember them.

“We live a few doors down,” said Emma. “We used to ride our bikes together.” It dawned on me them as I remembered, but they’d been a lot shorter back then. Then, Sam came through the door.

“I hope you don’t mind me being an outfit repeater,” he said, gesturing to the clothes he’d worn the other night.

“It’s fine,” I said, waving a hand. “I should be the one apologising for being an idiot.”

“Don’t be silly!”

“No, I’m serious!”

“It’s fine!”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes!”

“OK!” I looked him in the eyes then and leant up to hug him but he kissed me briefly on the lips before pulling away. He blushed as I did and then I led him to his seat, fireworks exploding in my mind as I grinned to myself.

We all sat down and the meal was served. I knew I had to wait until the main course to go to the bathroom. That was when everybody would be busy eating. I prayed the main course took hours to cook. I just didn’t want this all to end.

I chatted a little tentatively to my family as I circulated the room. They’d presume I was just nervous, but I was desperate not to form any connections. The starter came and went all too quickly and I tried to stop myself from shaking as we waited for the main course to come. Sam asked me if I’d like to go see a movie in a couple of days’ time and it pained me to say I would. The main course was then put down before us, and I trembled as I picked up my fork and knife and cut into the chicken. I took one mouthful, chewing it and tossing it around my tongue many times but I couldn’t stomach it. This was it.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” I said, getting up abruptly and picking up my bag.

“Hey wait!” Sam called, but I ran in. I spit my piece of chicken in the bin and clutched the sink for support. There was an emergency exit door in here. It was so perfectly convenient. I fumbled in my bag and took it out, placing it on the floor as I reached for the button holder. I breathed in slowly, trying to control the beating of my heart which was going faster than when Jack had taken me. Except that had been a dream. I wiped sweat off my face and everything seemed to go dizzy. 

“This is it,” I said to myself. I took the bomb and put it just outside of the bathroom in the hallway and squeezed my eyes tightly as I pressed firmly down on the button. There was one minute for me to get as far away as possible. Then, the door swung open leading from the hall to the bathroom. It was Sam.

“Shit,” I said, frozen in my step.

“What’s that?” he said, smiling curiously. Then, he looked at the device I held in my hand and at the contraption again, and his face fell. “Phoebe, what the hell are you doing?” I turned, looking at the emergency door. I looked back at the bomb, and counted the seconds in my head.

“Don’t follow me,” I said, beginning to cry as I pushed open the emergency door and allowed cool air to hit my face. It would be even worse if Sam knew what I’d done. I shut the emergency door, pressing against it though I knew I only had seconds left to get away. Sam burst out, his face twisted in horror. “Run!” I screamed involuntarily, and I allowed my legs and arms to pound like they’d used to as I sped away, concentrating on my speed, though I could still hear footsteps behind me. I wasn’t as fast as I’d used to be, but I was fast enough. It was time now.

I ducked down into a crouch position, unsure if I’d gone fast enough, and heard an explosion behind me and I instantly smelt smoke. I could not stay here. I had survived. My whole family was dead, and the job was done. Everybody was gone. I’d just destroyed a whole family unit which had been so close to me. I tried not to cry, as it was silly to cry over something I’d worked towards for years. Jack would be proud of me, and that was all that mattered. I got up on my feet and felt a hand grasp me by the shoulder. I tried to shrug it off but they twisted me round and that was when I came face to face with my Dad.

“What the hell was that?” he said, his eyes huge and alight as he swayed from foot to foot. He clutched a packet of pills in his right hand. That was when it clicked in my brain. He was a drug addict. The smoke thickened, and was coming closer. People were coming out of their houses nearby and screaming. I had to run now. I pushed my Dad over, knowing that it would take him a while to get up, and ran forward, but I ran straight into Sam’s firm grasp. A vein was pulsing in his forehead and he was bright read with rage, shaking.

“What is wrong with you?!” he screamed, gesturing to the town hall. I tried to wriggle out of his grasp, but he held on tighter. “You’re going nowhere.”