There's something wrong with Phoebe

7 - Mother

I knew where they’d gone. I wasn’t stupid. Rob hadn’t talked for the whole party leaving me to do everything in the kitchen, and make sure everybody was comfortable and entertained and run the whole party myself. I knew he hadn’t wanted a party. I only threw it because I wanted a distraction from everything, though the party’s purpose was because of what I wanted to be distracted from.

When I saw them go, in some ways I wished to go with them, but in other ways, I did not. Seeing Phoebe and knowing I hadn’t supported the investigation to find her this whole time would tear my heart out. I knew it was my own fault for hiding my feelings so well that they no longer existed. I’d become cold hearted, but part of the reason was that my heart hadn’t loved for so long. Rob spent all his time trying to find Phoebe or going over clues and leads, and scraps of information. He was always angry, or very quiet. He wasn’t the Rob I’d met when I was still a teenager. I missed him, and hoped I’d get him back now - though of course I knew it wouldn't be easy.

I saw the car pull into the drive, and not only Kayla and Rob climb out of it but Thomas too. I felt like I’d been hit in the chest. They’d all just gone to see her without me, and the kids had beaming smiles on their faces, however, Rob looked as expressionless as ever. I guessed I wouldn’t get him back straight away. It would take time.

“You alright, honey?” I said, as he came walking through the door, posture as bent and curled as ever.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I got some beer and stuff from the shop.” He handed over the bag and I thanked him, pecking him lightly on the cheek, which made him look at me suddenly as if I’d just electrocuted him.

“What? I can’t even kiss you now?” I said, rolling my eyes.

“No, it’s fine,” he said, bending down and kissing me gently on the lips. He drew away and I was shocked to find I felt nothing. I smiled bashfully as my hand drew away from his cheek that I’d been cupping and I went into the kitchen to unpack what he’d bought.

Kayla came in then, smiling, and then realised that her change of behaviour would seem odd, and dropped the grin. “Hey Mum,” she said, sliding up on to the counter.

“Don’t sit on there, I just polished it,” I said, though I knew she wouldn’t get off.

“I was thinking,” she said, remaining on the counter, “would we be able to go on holiday? Now that our family is complete again and everything? All my other friends are going on holiday and we have all that money…”

“We don’t know what Phoebe’s going to be like, do we? She’s been through a lot.”

“Maybe we can see tomorrow…if she’s OK…”

“Maybe,” I said, putting the bottle of fizzy drink they’d brought home straight in the bin.

“Mum!” said Kayla, jumping off the counter.

“Oh, now you do what I want,” I said, putting my hands on my hips.

“What did you do that for?!”

“Because those drinks are full of crap and they make Thomas go hyper. You can have some juice.”

“Mum, I’m eighteen. I can drink what I want. And besides, why are you being so mean? This is supposed to be a celebration?”

“Yeah, well it’s not so much of a celebration when the rest of your family sneak off behind your back,” I said, going out of the kitchen and upstairs, wiping away a solitary tear.

I got to my room and lay down on the bed, sniffing, but then suddenly, I realised I didn’t need to conceal my emotion anymore. Slowly, tear after tear trickled down my face, and I didn’t brush them off or try to control the flow. I let out a moan as I realised my face would be a complete mess of mascara. I didn’t even know why I was crying, but now I had started, I couldn’t stop. Maybe it was all the tears I’d be concealing for the past six years. They were all coming out now, perhaps so the bad memories could flow out of me as well. I curled up in a ball and eventually, my eyes slid shut and I was asleep.

I saw Rob before my eyes, but a version from two decades ago. His face was without lines, his smile was larger than any I had ever seen before, and he was laughing. Laughing a free laugh. It was a noise I was no longer familiar with, but it sounded so beautiful here, like a tinkling bell.

“You’re absolutely, positively sure?” he said.

“Yes,” I nodded, laughing too as joyful tears rolled down my cheeks.

“Come here!” he said, picking me up from the bed. I wrapped my legs around his back as he spun me round and I tossed my head back freely before we both landed on the bed. His eyes darted to my stomach and he touched it tenderly. “How far gone?”

“Only six weeks,” I said.

“So in less than eight months, I’ll be a father?” I nodded and Rob beamed.

“What are my parents going to say? Mum always dreamed of me having kids, but I said I wasn’t the type. But now that I know I’m going to be a father, I’m desperate to meet our girl.”

“Who says it’s a girl?”

“It just feels like it,” he said, rubbing around my belly button.

“Well don’t get your hopes up,” I said.

“Whatever it is, I won’t care. It’ll be perfect either way. I’ll love it forever, and I’ll always protect it. Just like you.”

“You promise?” I said.

“I promise,” he replied, grabbing my hand and squeezing tight.

I was jolted awake as Kayla entered the room. My face was all hard as the salty fluid had dried and I rubbed my skin which felt rougher. I knew I looked a mess but I didn’t care.

“Mum, have – have you been crying?” she said.

“Nope, I chucked a water bottle on my face,” I joked. At first, Kayla seemed unsure what to make of that comment. “Of course I’ve been crying, you daft girl. Has it really been that long since you saw me cry?” She nodded, and the humour in the room disintegrated.

“I’m sorry for making you so upset. I just really, really wanted to see her.”

“I understand,” I replied, smiling grimly, though I wasn’t smiling inside. I wiped the smile off my face and then said, “Actually I don’t.” Kayla’s smile dropped. “Being brutally honest with myself, I don’t. I’ve been bottling up my feelings for six years and I’m going to speak my mind now. Why couldn’t you have waited for us to all go see her together?” Kayla shrugged.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. I sighed.

“How was she?” Kayla beamed.

“She was great! Smiling, and talking and everything!” What Kayla described sounded like what I’d done just six months on from Phoebe’s disappearance, and every action of happiness had been fake. Phoebe had inherited the same trait. I’d want to see Phoebe myself before judging how well she was, but I wasn’t going to tell Kayla that.

“That’s great!” I replied. “Listen, I’m going to freshen up and then go put out some desserts. Want to help?”

“Sure,” she said, taking my hand and squeezing. Kayla left the room, and I let the tears run down my face again. The woman who had always kept it together with a wall of steel to cover her true emotions was starting to have feelings. The wall was breaking down, and the emotions coming through were not those expected of me.

I found myself going downstairs again, smiling at everybody, but that night, as Rob stayed downstairs and watched the television, and I lay awake in bed, I cried once again.