thin ⚣ phan

eight

dan

the walk was long and the tear stains on my face were visible. i pulled my sleeve and used it to wipe the tears that kept streaming which only led my thoughts to kick in. stop crying. the thoughts were right i shouldn't be crying over something as foolish as phil having other friends.

just as i reached my house there was a vibration in my pocket. i grabbed the phone from my pocket of my black jacket and brought the phone up until it was visible that i had gotton a text. a text from the one and only phil lester.

amazing phil: hey dan just wanted to say if you're alright? i'm still really sorry about the whole situation

i tighted my grip on my phone. of course i was alright the while situation didn't matter at all. yes it did and i sighed as i knew i was lying to myself. as i began walking towards my house maybe it did matter because somehow phil.. phil had taken a part in my heart which was something i never wanted to happen but yet i let it happen.

i didn't reply to phil instead i went to the scale to solve my problems. phil isn't like my scale. my scale dosen't ignore me it's there when i want it to be. with that i began walking to my bedroom and look around the scattered mess i call my room for the scale i had hidden because if my mother were to find out i had it she would practically rush me to a local hospital for people that need help and I didn't need help.

minutes has passed and there was no sight of it which made me panick. what if my mom found it? no. she couldn't have? could she? i tried to hopelessly try to ignore the fact that maybe my mother did but deep down i knew I couldn't ignore it

although i couldn't handle my mom finding out about the scale i still stepped on it.

110?

i had gained seven pounds due to all that food my mother would force me to eat. i wanted to cry but i didn't because surely i could get rid of these pounds without anyone noticing. so i had a plan or at least thanks to a website i did. the whole website revolved on being thin and it even specified certian amount of calories to eat on certian days and that's what i was going to go through with.

by the time i left the bathroom with the scale in hand i could hear the sound of my mom's car pulling in the rear. so i panicked and quickly rushed towards my room and put the scale under my bed. after that i headed downstairs to once again be meet with the one of the many people that seem to only care about the "eating disorder" i have rather than what i care about.

it was okay though because if i put a guiene smile on my face as i greet her, she'll belive it and that's exactly what ended up happening. she came in and looked at me and then stopped as she headed towards the kitchen to start cooking.

_

dinner was ready and i was sitting on a chair awaiting the food my mother would give me. each second that passed made me anxious because what if i couldn't go through with this? then what? suddenly i broke out of the questioning my mind had as my mother placed the food on the table.

rice and vegetables

right all i had to do was eat the food. food that fufill the 400 calories mark. yet that wasn't the challange for me though it was the fact that i had to keep it in long enough until i could let it out when no one was around, surely this would have to work.

the plate full of food was in front of me. calories was all my mind was thinking about but i had to go through with this plan. so i took a fork and placed it in the broccoli. i then swallowed it. the food was actually staying down and i looked up, my mom was watching me like some sort of hawk. i smiled or sorta let out a small grin to assure her that i was okay. even though i wasn't but i didn't want her knowing about that.

so many bites and swallows later i was half way done and i wanted to rush to the bathroom. my stomach was stiring and my mind was running wild but i couldn't do that. so i took a couple of more bites and tried holding everything down. finally i was done not completely with my food but with the calories mark of the day and so with that i excused myself from the table and headed upstairs.

let it out

no no no i can't.

do it you're fat enough already

i know.

i wanted to let it all out but it seems as if i wasn't alone because when i turned around right their stood my mother. "are you following me?" i said as i looked at her noticing every single step she took closer to me.

she parted her lips and sighed as she replied with,"no dan, i just want to see that you aren't going to do anything you'll regret"

"i'm not"

"how can i trust you after everything that has happend?" she said as she kept her gaze on me but i couldn't answer her so i headed in my room and closed the door behind me.

i headed towards my bed and just threw myself on it. i was done with the day, day one that was. soon if everything worked out i would be closer and closer to my goal weight which was anything but my weight now.

kick the pj: hey it's been a while since we've talked want to hang out tomorrow?

i gazed over the keyboard keys deciding weither or not to reply to pj. it had been weeks since we've come in contact but i went with my mind and replied to him.

dan howell: i have school tomorrow

kick the pj: tomorrow's saturday

dan howell: oh wow then i have therapy tomorrow

kick the pj: we can hang out after your therpay?

dan howell: sure

kick the pj: i'll meet you at your house?

dan howell: alright

with that i ended the conversation and soon was left back into reality and every single thought i had kept reminding me how alone i was. no one cared about me. i was just a guy who had way too many problems and no one wants someone like that in their life.