Secrets | Watty Awards Winner 2013

Chapter 9

 I lay flowers at the gravestone. They are tulips- mum’s favourite.

“I miss you,” I mouth. It’s easier for my lips to shape the words than for me to try and find my voice to speak them. “It’s been so long. Micah-Micah’s gone and so much has changed.”

My eyes are dry. I’ve cried so much that there are none left.

I stare at the words marked into the stone and frown when they start moving. They twist and curl around themselves until they are a mess. I reach my fingers out towards them but when I touch them, they send a searing pain shooting up my arm. I cry out and pull my hand away.

Looking up into the grey sky, I see a black sparrow. Its beady black eyes stare at me from the top of a leafless tree. Before I can react, it swoops down and buries its beak in my eyes. White hot spots cross my vision and I scream. I scream until my lungs hurt. I scream until my throat feels raw. When I finally open my other eye, the crow has changed. The beak is still lodged in my eye but my mother now stands before me.

She looks beautiful- more beautiful than I remember her to be. Her long black hair is in a loose side plait. Her dark brown eyes are wide and her cheeks are rosy. She’s dressed in a long black dress that I recognise as one of her favourites.

But… but there is something different about her: Something wrong.

A thin trail of blood runs from her bottom lip and drips off her chin.

I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out. I can’t even move. I want to run but my body won’t listen to my mind’s commands.

Suddenly, I feel mum’s fingers wrapped around my arms. They press against my flesh so tightly that it hurts. I try to push her away but she’s too strong.

My throat constricts and I make the mistake to look up at her- into her eyes. They are like deep, dark pools. I can’t see the bottom. I can’t see anything in them and it scares me. I don’t know what else to do so I fight. I struggle against everything- against everything and everyone.

“Ari! Stop! Wake up!”

My eyes fly open and for several moments, I have no idea where I am. My heart is ramming itself relentlessly against my ribs. I can feel my pulse throbbing in my neck. My eyes scan the dark room and finally lands on Will’s worried face. They travel down towards his neck and finally to his arms that are wrapped around my torso.

I swallow and untangle his arms from around me.

“Wha-what’s the time?” My throat feels like sand-paper- raw and painful.

“2:15 a.m.,” Will says. I cough a little and take the glass of water from my bedside table. I take two big gulps before replacing the glass. My hands are trembling so hard that I’m worried I’ll spill the water if I hold the glass for much longer.

“It was just a dream,” Will says and reaches over to touch my hands. He takes mine in his and holds them steady, never taking his eyes from mine. There’s a certain calmness in them that makes my heartbeat slow and my breathing to become normal again.

“I know,” I say.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.

“No.”

“Do you want me to stay a little longer?”

I hesitate. I do want him to stay.

“No. It’s alright. I’m sorry for waking you. I-I’m fine now.”