Impulse

The Pills

When Michael left all forms of happiness left with him. I sought out my mother’s comfort, hoping that would cure my eternal illness. When I reached downstairs the clock had just struck nine and my parents were just about to leave. Upon seeing me they both ran over, my mother reached me first, a kind of pained happiness in her eyes. “Good morning love bug. I made you lunch, it’s in the oven. I’ll be home in time to make dinner. I’m late. I have to go. Love you. Bye.”

And with a kiss on the head she cleared out. My father stared at her departure lovingly before turning to me. When his eyes met mine the same pained happiness tinged the hunters green there. He blinked and it was gone. “I know you haven’t had time to look at your present yet, but when you do, PLEASE call me and tell me if you live it or hate it. We can always exchange it and get something better.” I followed him as he gathered his things. “Doctor says lots of rest. So I expect to see you in bed when I get home. With that, I take my leave. Don’t forget to call me. I love you Em.” And then he was gone too.

I didn’t feel tired, or in pain. I mostly felt sad and alone and desperate for Michael’s arms around me again. I walked into the garage knowing my father’s present would be there. If it were my mother who had gotten me it the present would be up in my room. That’s just the way my parents were.

It was dark in the garage and I flipped on the light half expecting to find a box haphazardly wrapped in the middle of the floor. Instead a glossy red Ferrari sits in the middle of my garage. I can hear my jaw hit the floor. On the windshield is a note, it reads: Because your feet won’t get you very far. I laughed remembering when I was 15 trying to convince my father to buy me and Erik cars for our 16th birthday. I want to call and tell him how much I love the car, but the pain of the memory causes me to double over.

 I choke back a scream remembering Erik’s eyes. Evergreen, filled with determination and zeal because he knew he’d be getting what he wanted. His smile bright with excitement. The memory felt more like the present causing me to gasp for air, wondering; yet again; how he could be gone. This wasn’t the old pain I was feeling before. It was new and strong and worse than ever. I wanted nothing more than to be rid of it. I crawled on hands and knees to the kitchen phone, ignoring the pangs of pain erupting from my injured ligaments.

When I reached it I called my father. I needed him to talk to me. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone. I needed someone. “Daddy!” and before I could tell him anything he cut me off.

“Do you like it? I thought you would. It seemed like your kind of sports car.” I laughed through my sob.

“Yeah dad. I love it.” I hiccupped, holding back more tears. “Dad I-“

“Listen kiddo. I have a meeting to go to, I’ll call you back later. Love yah. Bye.”

“I love you too. Goodbye.”  And he never thought twice about it.

I made up my mind then. With my brother gone, I was nothing but a hollow shell of my former self. There was no me without him. I couldn’t possibly live my life without him.

My parents were trying hard, but I could hear it in their voices, see it in their eyes; like I was a reminder, a symbol of the angel they once had. And maybe that’s why they seldom visit me in the hospital. I can’t even blame them. Everything remotely Erik hurts me.

I make my way to the bathroom and rummage through shelves of pill bottles until I find the ones that promise maximum pain relief. I empty the bottles contents in my palm. About 30 pills fall out. I don’t think twice, I throw them into my mouth and chug down water. My body feels like it’s on fire from all the heart ache. I notice the cool tiles below my feet and imagine how good they’d feel against my scorched skin.

I slowly sink to the floor, whipping away tears before resting my head on the center of an icy square. The bitter cold immediately sooths my skin and I feel my eyelids getting heavy. That’s right .I think I’ll take a nap and when I wake up I’ll see Erik.” A ghost smile graces my lips.

And just like that, my eyelids slip shut.

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