I Can't

Think about it

Sara was inconsolable ever since she found that entry in Stevie's journal. A while back, she had asked her mother for some of her poems to read and without much thought, Stevie handed Sara a stack of her old journals, dating as far back as the 60's. She never looked through them before giving them to her daughter, she didn't even think of doing so.

Sitting down and picking up the first one, Sara began reading. They were personal, some of it extremely and she was so grateful that Stevie loved her and trusted her so much, that she would let another person in on her life on such a deep level.

But then Sara came across the biggest secret her own mother had ever kept from her. This didn't say that Santa Claus was really her Daddy or Tooth Fairy was her Mommy, once she fell asleep. No, this was something entirely else. Sara couldn't believe it, reading the page over and over again, until her crying turned into heart-wrenching sobs and Todd had to practically tie her hands up, so she wouldn't be able to open that damned journal again, until she calmed down.

When Todd left for work and Sara was home alone, she ripped the page out and decided to send it to Lindsey. She was sure he didn't know, she thought he had been lied to for the past twenty years as well. She was so hurt by Stevie, Sara wanted her to feel just like she was feeling right now, knowing that if anything, even the smallest argument, happened between her parents, it always hurt them both badly. She didn't see it as a bad thing, her emotions clouding her judgement, but she was set on letting the man who raised her know. At least, she thought that was what she was doing.

"Hey." Todd said, finding Sara in their bedroom, curled up in a ball. "Were you sleeping?"

"No." She replied after a moment, just staring at whatever was straight ahead of her. 

"Babe..." He sighed, rubbing his hand over her arm. "You have got to talk to your mother." He said, having flashbacks from a couple of months ago, when he was encouraging her to do the same thing. 

"No. Absolutely not. What would I even tell her?"

"Well, you could ask if it's true. Maybe... Maybe you've misinterpreted it."

"There's nothing I could have gotten wrong. It's from one of her journals she gave me. She was pregnant at the time, she was expecting a girl and she named her Sara. It's all crystal clear."

"So, you think you found out this huge secret and you're not going to ever talk to your Mom again? Like, you're just going to cut all ties with her? Because I don't think you could ever do that, baby. You know you couldn't. I get it, you're hurt, but... Honestly? What does it matter really? Your father is the one who raised you and it's Lindsey, I'd say he did a pretty good job too!"

"I will be so disappointed in him if he doesn't leaver her, once he finds out."

Todd frowned. "Hold on. What did you do?"

"What do you think I did? I've sent him that entry."

"Oh my God! Why, Sara? Don't you realize how much damage you could cause to your parent's marriage by doing this? Especially now, when your mother is what... seven months pregnant?"

"Good! I don't just want damage, I want Dad to divorce her! She doesn't deserve him!"

"You don't know what you're saying." Todd shook his head, sitting up, turning to look at her, taking her face in his hands. "This was not your place to have done such thing. You should have gone to your mother, told her that you know and let her tell your father."

"She wouldn't have. I mean, she didn't bother for twenty years, so why would she do it now?"

"Still, in my opinion you should have listened to her side of the story first. Besides, don't you think by doing a wrong thing, she also did the right thing? You read it yourself, Sara. Your biological father never wanted you, he... he wanted your Mom to have an abortion, but she kept you and she broke up with that... that bastard and she turned to the man she knew would want to raise you and he would do so with great love for you."

Her lower lip was trembling, as she listened to him speak. Even though Sara knew that some parts were true, she couldn't see past the pain it caused her, the pain her mother caused her, the one person Sara loved more than anything or anyone in the whole entire world. 

"I want to meet him."

"Come again?" Todd asked, after hearing the words come out from Sara's mouth.

"I want to meet my real father."

"Baby, why would you? What was written, was enough for me to understand that he is not a good man and you don't need him in your life, honey. You have your real father."

"I have so many questions for him." She still kept talking, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I want to know if he ever loved my Mom, why wasn't she enough for him to stay, why... why he didn't want me..."

"Well, personally, I don't think it's something you should do. Sara, there was a reason to all of it and to me, it seems like the whole situation was a very painful one. I can't see your mother taking it very easily once she finds out that you know and that you did something to hurt her relationship with your Dad, but if you go behind her back as far as finding and meeting your biological father... Honestly, I think there might not be a way back for you two."

"Why are you on her side?" Sara asked, pulling away from Todd. "It feels like you're supporting her decision that she made in lying to me and Dad! I don't get it!"

"I'm not taking anyone's side, I just know how much you love her and just how much she loves you. Besides the way you're feeling about her now, I also know you would never want to intentionally hurt her."

"Yes, I do! After what she did, I really do."

"No, Sara... Please, just think about what you're doing."

"My GOD!" She yelled, getting out of bed. "Stop! STOP talking!"

"Sara!" Todd tried, but she didn't listen, without turning back, she stormed out of the room, God knows to do what next.