After 2

Chapter 134.

I do love him despite all the mistakes he makes and has made in the past. I do see a change in him since I have met him, even in the last week I have seen a change in him. He has never expressed his feelings about me the way he did today. I just wish that his declaration was announced under different circumstances.

He said that I am his only shot at happiness, I am the only chance that he has to not spend the entirety of his life alone. What a heavy statement. What a true statement. No one will ever love him the way I do, not because he is not worth loving but because no one will know him the way that I do. Did. Still do? I can't decide but I want to believe I know him, the true him. Who he is now is not the person he was just a few months ago.

He has done a lot for me despite the pain he has caused me. He has made a huge effort to be the person I want and need him to be. Half of me thinks that it may be time for me to take some of the blame here, not for what he did to Natalie but for being so hard on him. Granted what he did was wrong, so incredibly wrong but sometimes I expect too much from him. I forget that he is an angry,  lonely man who up until now has never loved anyone. I know he loves his mother but not the same way that people usually love their parents.

The other half of me is tired. Tired of this cycle with Hardin that has been constantly repeating itself. In the beginning of our relationship it was a constant cycle of him being cruel to me then nice, then cruel. Now the cycle has somewhat evolved but it is worse. Much worse. I leave him, then come back, then leave him again. I can not keep doing this, we can not keep doing this. If there is anything else that he is hiding it will break me, I am barely holding myself together now. I can't take any more secrets, any more heartache, any more break ups. I always used to have everything planned, every detail of my life was calculated, over analyzed , until Hardin. He has completely turned my life upside down and mostly in a negative way. That being said he has also made me happier than I have ever been.

We need to be together and try to move past all of the terrible things he has done or I need to end things and keep them that way. If I leave him I need to move away from here, far away. I need to leave behind every reminder of my life with Hardin otherwise I would never be able to move on. The pain that comes from considering leaving him is much worse than the pain he has caused me.

The tears have stopped now as my verdict sets in.

I can't leave him, I know I can't. I know how pathetic that is but there is no way I can be without him. No one will ever make me feel the way he does, no one will ever be him. He is it for me, just the way I am it for him. I shouldn't have had him leave, I needed time to think and I should take more time but I am already wanting him back with me. What is wrong with me? Is love always like this?  Is it always so passionate yet so damn painful? I have no experience or even references to compare to. I can only hope that our relationship will not be like this forever.

I hear the front door open and climb off of the bed, rushing to the living room. I am disappointed to find Anne instead of Hardin. I should have known it would be her, Hardin is giving me time to think. Time that I asked for but now want to give back.

Anne hangs Hardin's keys on the rack and removes her snow covered shoes. I am not sure what to say to her after she told me to leave with my mother.

"Where is Hardin?' She asks me as she walks into the kitchen.

"He left.. for the night." I explain.

"Oh."

"I am sure if you call him he will tell you where he is if you don't want to stay here...with me."

"Tessa, I am sorry for what I said. I don't want you to think I have any ill feelings towards you, I do not. I was just trying to prevent you from what Hardin can do to you. I don't want you to .." I can tell she is searching for the words.