I woke suddenly. So suddenly that it took me a few moments to realise why I had woken. The room was still dark, and no sunlight crept in through the curtains. I glanced at the clock beside my bed, and it read 04:30. I blinked, then realised that something was wrong.
Beside me Cheryl was shaking violently. Her skin was bathed in sweat, her clothes drenched in it. But her skin on my own felt very cold. I rolled onto my side to look at her properly.
“Please” she sobbed. Her eyes were open, pupils dilated, staring blankly at the ceiling. Her dark eyes reflected the moonlight in their chocolate brown depths. “Ashley, no, please! No...” her face was screwed up, creating deep lines in her skin that I had never seen before. “Please baby, I love you...I didn’t, I promise...I would never...”
I grabbed her shoulders and shook her, desperately trying to wake her. But she continued to stare blankly at the ceiling, not registering what she saw or where she was.
Then she cried out once again, almost screaming “no, no, please!” She gulped, and her eyes flickered, unseeing. I shook her again, making her hair fall all over her face.
“Come on Cheryl, wake up” I cried as she writhed and sweated next to me under the sheets.
“I’m sorry” she moaned, cowering away from me, covering her face with her hands and whimpering in obvious pain.
“Shh, Chez, you’re alright, wake up babes”
“Ash, stop, please, please!” She sobbed, curling into a ball and hiding her face with her hands, trying to protect herself. Her fear was painful to watch, and I desperately shook her, gently pinching her skin.
“Wake up, wake up!” I cried, and she blinked and finally woke.
She shook violently and automatically cowered away from me, covering her face with her hands again. “Cheryl, it’s me, Kim” I whisper.
She looks at me, eyes not recognising me for a moment, then I read recognition in them. “Kim?” she whispers. Then she clings to me. She covers my body in her sweat, and it sets, giving us both goose bumps. Her hands are frantic, scrabbling, and twist themselves in my t-shirt and scratch at my skin. “Kim, Kim” she whispers, her voice very quiet but still slightly hysterical. She shrunk against my chest, curling up like a very scared small child.
“Shh, shh” I whispered, wrapping my fingers around her soft hair, stroking her back, pulling her even closer to me. “It was just a dream, just a stupid dream” I promise, but she clings to me tighter, digging her nails into me, pulling at my vest. Her breathing is heavy and raspy, as though she’s just ran a very long way, and I can feel her heart beating furiously. I cuddle her, wrapping my arms protectively around her still shuddering body.
“Oh god” she whispers to me “oh my god.”
“Shh Chez babes, it was just a dream, you’re okay, you’re safe now, I promise” I whisper back to her, very aware that she’s holding me as though she never wants to let go.
“I was so scared Kim” she moans softly “he was right-right here. Screaming at me, and then...then...”
“You’re okay” I repeat, rubbing her back and kissing her forehead gently.
“So scared.” She repeats quietly. “I used to dream about him all the time. Over and over. When he was here, in bed with me, I couldn’t sleep because I was scared...but...but, when he was g-gone, I still couldn’t sleep because, because I was scared that I’d d-dream about him...”
“Oh Cheryl” I whisper to her as she continues to make tiny, shuddering whimpers. “He can’t hurt you anymore, not ever again. He’s gone now.”
“I know” she whispers back “you’re here now” she pauses for a moment before continuing, “he used to do horrible things. He’d say all this sh*t, like I was cheating on him, or I didn’t love him, or...or...whatever. And then he’d say I was lying to him when I denied it...me, cheat on him? Me? But he’d like chuck me on the floor, and h-hurt me. And say I deserved it, because-because...I’m just like some filthy, stupid dog, and...every day, every single fcuking day. Not just like once. Every night when I come home...” She doesn’t cry. She just shudders and holds onto me, and even when her voice breaks and she’s inches away from tears, she continues to talk. Her breath is hot on my neck. Her body is curled in my arms.
“I’m so sorry babe” I whisper to her, furiously blinking to prevent the white hot tears welling in my eyes from falling.
“I’m gonna be alright though Kimba, aren’t I? Together, we can be alright?”
“Yeah”
“M’gonna go to sleep” she mumbles “but you’re going to be here when I wake up?”
“Always” I whisper as she snuggles close to my body, resting her head on my chest and closing her eyes.
“I...I...I...love...” she mumbles sleepily.
“Shhh” I tell her. I kiss the top of her head, and she kisses me too, right on my collarbone. Then she falls to sleep quickly, quietly.
But I don’t.
I silently watch her sleep, and feel the place where her lips met my skin tingle, as though someone has set off fireworks in my veins.
***
“Kimmi, wake up babes” she whispers to me. She’s leaning across the bed, fully dressed, with her makeup flawless and her hair tied up in a fishtail plait reaching halfway down her back. She smells of flowery perfume with a hint of freshly cut grass and jasmine. She’s holding Diana in her arms, rocking her from side to side.
“Yeah?” I rub my eyes, screwing up my face at the sunlight. Oh god, she looks so beautiful.
“I’m going to work, and I’m taking Sacha to school on the way, so here’s the little one, okay?” she says, passing Diana to me.
“Oh god, what time is it? You should have woke me!” I start, half sitting up and reaching to pull back the covers.
“Half eight, Diana’s been fed and changed”
“Chez, you little angel-”
“I know, I’m amazing aren’t I? I gotta go to work now, I just didn’t want to go without saying goodbye. So goodbye, and I’ll see you later”
“What time you coming home?”
“Late-ish, like half 9?”
“Okay, have a good day” I smile
“Will do” she pauses at the door and blows two kisses, one for me and one for Diana. Sleepily I catch one, and raise one of Diana’s tiny fists to catch the other. Cheryl grins at us, before leaving, closing the door softly and calling to Sacha “okay, you ready to go?”
A moment later I hear the front door slam.
“Good morning baby” I say to Diana, who Cheryl has dressed in a pink babygrow and tiny white socks. Diana blinks at me, making a tiny gurgling noise. I think about Cheryl the night before, how scared she was, the way her body shook. I remember the way that her lips met my skin. I cuddle my daughter. “I never want you to get hurt” I whisper to her.
