We walk through the park, Diana strapped to my chest in a sling. She’s heavy and uncomfortable, but I like to know that she’s close to me. Sacha is holding my hand, and with her other hand she’s holding Cheryl’s hand. Cheryl is quiet, constantly looking around the dark park, and I know that she’s worried about paparazzi, but nobody disturbs us. Despite this, she looks down at her feet and pulls her cute woollen hat down over her face whenever somebody passes us. I wonder what it feels like to be followed and inspected constantly.
We walk towards the garish lights and blaring music of the fair, Sacha squeezes my hand tightly and grins up at me and Cheryl. The lights reflect in her eyes, and they look like oil, dark, but with all the colours of the rainbow in them.“Thank you” she says, but I can barely hear her over the loud music and shouts. I watch her breath smoke in the cold night air, curling out of her lips.
Suddenly we’re at the fair, and the crowd envelopes us. I grip tighter onto Sacha’s small gloved hand to stop her from slipping away from me, and I raise my other hand to instinctively protect Diana’s head. “Cheryl!” Sacha shouts, but I can’t hear her, I can only read her lips. The music is so loud that it almost hurts, and I stand on tip-toe, trying to look over the heads of the crowd for Cheryl’s grey woolly hat and glossy dark hair. But it’s no good, I’m too short.
“Cheryl?” I shout, and suddenly I feel someone gripping my arm. My hands ball into fists, and I swing around ready to fight, but it’s only Cheryl.
“I thought I’d lost yous” she said, gripping onto me tighter, so that her nails were almost digging into my skin, through my hoodie.
“It’s okay, come on, what do you want to go on?” I ask Sacha, who immediately points towards the huge old-fashioned carousel, all golden horses with wild multi-coloured manes and jewelled bridles.
“Yes!” Cheryl smiles, pearly teeth shining though the semi-darkness. “Come on!” she holds out a hand to Sacha, who takes it smiling. I hesitate, but Cheryl’s holding out a hand for me too, so I take it and let her pull me towards the ride. The queue is fairly short and Cheryl and Sasha are soon jumping onto the ride and choosing the horse they want. Cheryl chooses a sea blue horse with a wild mane and shells on its saddle, and Sacha jumps onto a Barbie pink pony with ribbons and gems in its mane. I lean on the railings and watch them laugh. Just as the ride starts Cheryl notices that I’m not with them and looks around desperately for me. I see her lips move and shape the word “Kim?”
“I’ve got Di, I can’t come on” I can’t help but laugh at her expression, then watch as the ride turns and she wobbles for a moment before clutching at the spiralled pole, her dark hair streaming out behind her. My eyes loose focus as the ride turns and the horses rise up and down, and it becomes a swirling mass of lights and shouts and bodies. I breathe in, and the air tastes of candyfloss and toffee apples. I’m happy.
Much later Sacha falls asleep on the sofa, curled up like a kitten, and I carry her upstairs. She’s surprisingly light and Cheryl shows me into a small bedroom with white walls and white floorboards and white sheets, and waits whilst I try and tuck Sacha into the small single bed without waking her. I kiss her cheek, and it’s sticky and smells of candyfloss. “’Night Sacha” I whisper, before straightening up and looking at Cheryl. All night she’s been laughing and smiling with Sacha, but now she looks tired, sad even. I wonder if the smiles were faked, and if they were for my benefit or for Sacha.
“Are you okay?” I ask her, not sure whether I want her to answer me truthfully or not.
“I’m tired” she says, and I can tell that this isn’t entirely a lie. “I’ll give you a hand with your bags?”
“Okay” I say, so we go back downstairs and collect my bags from where I left them that morning. It seems like a million years ago now. Cheryl carries Diana in her carry cot upstairs, and take my rucksack and Diana’s changing bag. Cheryl shows me into the bedroom next to hers, and I drop my bags onto the bed and look around.
