Death is My BFF is now published as a Hardcover, Paperback, and E-book with W by Wattpad Books! As Wattpad reader you can access the original rough draft version here, and published version details inside.
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Oh, that's right old man. It's ME. Death. Your #1 pain in the reindeer.
Let's play a little game, shall we? Unfortunately, it won't be as fun as Saw's game, but it'll be a fun game.
Let's pretend for a moment that you don't know why I'm writing you. Let's pretend we haven't been sworn enemies for the past twenty years. Let's also pretend I haven't tried to poison you every single one of those years with my double demise chocolate chip cookies.
Put on your thick, nerdy glasses and read this very closely, Santa. I've been sucking the souls out of the living, killing for fun, stealing pacifiers from babies, and ding-dong ditching old ladies with walkers longer than your tubby, virtuous self can even comprehend. I am THE bad boy. Have you seen that delicious increased rate of deaths due to Tik-toking and crossing the street? That's all ME, snowflake!!
Now with all of this said, why, for the hate of all that is holy, would you ever...EVER the put me on your Nice list? You must be really laughing it up in the North Pole right now, aren't you? Well, I don't find this funny. I don't find this funny at all, Claus.
And let me be clear. You are one jolly laugh away from meeting my precious Scytherella's blade up close and personal.
Gah! I mean, I'm the freaking Angel of Death! Have you no decency or respect? Have you no immorality? Do you have any idea what this has done to my reputation in Hell? Do you?!
You know, I used to be respected in the Underworld. I used to be feared. Demons used to tremor in my presence. Now? Now there are posters of me all over the place. Not the normal posters. Not posters of me spreading the black plague, or even posters publicizing my 2016 calendar with me modeling with my knife collection... (Pre-order now for a chance to win a free signed t-shirt.)
Anyway, these posters I've seen are more atrocious than anything I have ever seen. They are of me... HUGGING JESUS CHRIST. WITH A HALO OVER MY HEAD.
Perhaps I can see why you could make this gigantic mistake. It's not my fault I'm so faultless. It's not my fault I look this good in my cloak and leather pants. It's not my fault that my evil perfection sometimes confuses clowns like YOU into believing I'm...good.
Don't worry too much, Santy. I know you'll fix this. Immortals make mistakes all the time. Well...not me, but that's beside the point. L-O-L.
My point is that you need to change this nauseating error before I come over there and change it myself. Rudolph having a red nose and Frosty melting will be the least of your worries then because you'll be on MY list.
Oh, and before I forget... How's that PESKY heartburn you've had for the past four hundred years? Hope it doesn't escalade into something else...
That was me threatening you.
Hugs and knives,
D
P.S- Let the Mrs. know that SHE can see me when I'm sleeping any time. ;)
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Hi guys!
Coca-Cola commissioned me to write this letter to Santa from Death! You should all check out their profile!
I hope everyone enjoyed this letter because I certainly enjoyed writing it! We all know that Death belongs on the Naughty list!!! LOL.
