Fighting the Stars - A Jack Harries Fanficton

Chapter 14

The rest of the night I could feel Finn’s eyes watching me. He was continually glancing at James’s arm that was draped around my back. I think he began to notice the way that conversation flowed easily between James and my father, but my mother and I sat as accessories. 

Just before the night was finally over, Finn caught me the moment I was left alone.

“Here’s my number,” he said, handing me a slip of paper. “In case you ever need to talk, about anything.”

I took it and stowed it away in my clutch. “Thanks,”

Just as he was about to walk away, he stopped himself and turned back to me. “You should be with someone who makes you happy.”

“I know” is what I said, but the truth was, I wish I could.

**

I sat with my legs crossed and my guitar in my lap on the window seat in my bedroom. My mother sat next to me, resting her back against the wall. James and my father were hard at work discussing finances in my father’s office downstairs.

“Black clouds are behind me, I now can see ahead. Often I wonder why I trying hoping for an end. Sorrow weighs my shoulders down, and trouble haunts my mind. But I know the present will not last, and tomorrow will be kinder.” 

This time my mother joined me in the chorus as I strummed the chords. Our harmony was sweet and soft, the way I remembered it when we used to sing together.

“Tomorrow will be kinder. It’s true, I’ve seen it before. A brighter day is coming my way. Yes, tomorrow will be kinder.”

I could only pray that these words were true. But singing always gave me a sense of hope. I sang the next verse alone, while my mother bobbed her head in rhythm.

“Today I’ve cried a many tear, and pain is in my heart. Around me lies a somber scene, I don’t know where to start. But I feel warmth on my skin. The stars have all aligned. The wind has blown, but now I know, that tomorrow will be kinder.”

My mother’s blue eyes, identical to those of mine, landed on my guitar. My fingers carefully plucked the notes, creating a soft lullaby when we harmonized once again.

“Tomorrow will be kinder. I know, I’ve seen it before. A brighter day is coming my way. Yes, tomorrow will be kinder.

“A brighter day is coming my way. Yes, tomorrow will be kinder.”

The music subsided as the song ended and I stared blankly at the guitar I’ve owned since I was thirteen. Mum and I both felt the words, knowing what they meant for us. We had to believe that things would get better, that’s just about all we have.

I felt Mum’s hand on mine, it was surprisingly icy. She gave a weak smile when I looked up at her. She’s aged so much since we moved to London. She’s only in her forties, but the abuse has taken it’s toll. Her face is sunken and her skin was losing it’s color.

She needs out just as much as I do.

If only men were that easy to handle. And in that moment I understood that the cruelest words in the universe are if only.

**

I texted Jack just before James and I left for Bristol that we were on our way. I really needed to see him again. James hadn’t been physical with me yet, but I think being isolated can leave deeper scars. Those you just can’t see.

I want to be friends with Jack. I want him to be someone I can tell anything to, someone who I can trust with my darkest secrets. It’s not that I’m afraid of telling him, it’s that I’m embarrassed to. I know it sounds awful and weak, but it’s true. How do you tell someone that you’ve let people control you your whole life? Or that you’ve never had the courage to stand up for yourself? It’s embarrassing for someone to know how weak you truly are.