I For You (teacherxstudent gxg) [EDITING]

Chapter 5

And I don't want the world to see me.'Cause I don't think that they'd understand. [Goo Goo Dolls - Iris]

Alvia's POV

I want to ask her out. Just hanging out I mean. I wonder if it's too fast, but I can't hold it anymore.Here I am waiting for her in music room and now I'm sitting in front of this grand piano. I should have known this school have everything, but still.. I'm amazed. Well, I saw her schedule in the teacher room. She have her last period until 2pm while I have no more. I still don't know what should I say.

I press a piano tuts. "Would she say yes.."

I press another tuts while thinking it,"Could she feel the same.."

I play some cords, "What if I scare her?"

Become depressed I play Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven. It makes me relaxed, the soothing voice came through the piano as I play it. I close the lid, place my arm and lay my head on it.

Thinking back to my old school.. I had a crush to this one girl. But, I know she's as straight as a pole and she's so religious that she will bash every gay person, even a guy who look like a girl. That time, I was in a class that everyone care and know each other. It was like my second family. Then, one day after school, we were talking about gay people. How wrong they are, why are they even exist. I.. was quiet the whole time. Then, Ditya, our class leader said one thing that broke my heart.

"If I ever meet gay people, I will beat them and insult them!"

""If I have a gay or lesbian friend, I will leave and stay away from them," a familiar voice added

It was Irene, the girl I had a crush on. Yes, those words had killed me like it wasn't enough for them as a homophobe.

The next day, I asked her, "Irene, which one is better.. live according to society but it means faking yourself and unhappy or live according your heart and happy but society will reject you?"

"Your heart, but you have to consider your parent's advice," she said

Well, that's right. But it's not the answer I was looking for. If I explained what I've been keeping all this time, I believe it would be a whole different answer.

I.. still don't know my sexuality. I'm somewhere in a very dark closet, so far that maybe I could reach Narnia. I don't choose to like girls. It just happens. I want to be straight more than anything. Talking about boys like my friends always do. But, I can't.. The more I deny it, the more I know who I am.

I believe in God and hell, and yet I trapped between Sin and Feelings. Both of it will lead me to suffer. If I choose feelings, hell awaits me. And if I choose to mind the Sin and forget my feelings, I know I wouldn't be happy.. for the rest of my life.

I cry every night. But I also know I can't tell anyone cause there's no guarantee they 'll stay. They'll leave, I know. There's only me who can cheer myself.

A tear streaming down my face, "Silly, Alv! Why are you cry..." I laugh to myself and start to play River Flows In You by Yiruma. It has always been my song when I sad. Like now..

I close my eyes and flashback. To my childhood, to my crushes.. I don't know if this feeling is a gift or a curse? Because, like a typical person falling in love.. I feel happy. 

The different is "It's not right" - so they say.

I play the song faster when my mind wonder to a very beautiful dream I had with my ex-crush. I held her and stared at her. She was looking back and smiled at me. Feels like I didn't want to wake up, because I own her in that dream. For once, I feel so at peace..

And yet, everyday I wake up to a world that has little acceptance and hatred.

I'm slowing down on the song and finish it... That's when I hear a voice.

"That's beautiful.."

I gasp and look up to see someone in front of the grand piano, one of her hand is on her cheek, "Ms. Shevlin..." since when she was there?!

"Were you.. crying?" she comes closer and rub my tears away. I can feel her hand. It's warm.

"Shouldn't you be in class now, Ms.?" I look away from her, my cheek is probably red now.

"You haven't answer my question yet, dear.." I can hear worriness in her voice

"Well.. um, I can't remember the key for the song I played before," I lied

"You played perfectly, I know. Well, you can talk to me when you're ready," she says. I melt even to her simple words. Please, don't be so kind to me. I don't want to fall again. Not to a wrong person..

"That's so kind of you, Ms." I give my best smile to her

"So, what are you doing here? Waiting for someone?" She hits in the nail, yes.

I laugh and suddenly I have an idea, "Well, there's no one home but I don't want to go home yet. I was wondering to look around the city but I have no friends to show me the way.." it's true though, despite the 'friends' fact. I'm sorry, Amy!

"Oh, then... I will be your guide!" she smiles widely. That's what I was expecting. Yay!

"You will? When do you have a time?" I ask eagerly

"Hmm, I'll pick you up at 7. Is it okay with you?"

"Tonight? Wow, okay. It's a date then," I giggle to it

We wave goodbye and I run to the car where James has waiting for me. I smile a lot. Even when I have arrive at home. I love today!