Memories of Dispair (Editing)

Chapter The Past Is the Past

Alexandrine POV
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I know I have to tell her one these days, but telling your friend that your in love with while they are suffering from PTSD is not an easy thing to do when she is still in love with her dead boyfriend. How can I tell Monica this.

Looking at her I want to know how life was in the Marines for four years, and having to deal with some men that are pigs. I remember the day she left I was workings for a comic book store, but I decide to quiet and make my own business; starting up a a lesson school for acting, since I took drama and acting in college I wanted to put it into some use. I still do it, but now I hired two teacher's if I'm not there.

I see a the cliff that has a parking area lower from the cliff taking a curving left then another left arriving putting my car on park. I glance over at Monica saying, "Me and Francis comes up with some girl's, just drinking, and enjoying the awesome view." While telling her all of this I push myself up then got out of the car heading the cliff.

I sat down seeing Monica sitting next to me "Did your boyfriend treat you right?" Monica sighs looking away to glancing at the view, "Ernesto was the most romantic, cocky, prankster, and never serious man. I fell deeply in love with. A man that taught me how to never give up and try to see the bright side of life." She wipes a sliding tear from her cheek glancing at me now.

She gave a look of dread and happiness, but I can tell this man meant a lot to her "We were together four years, but got in a relationship after the third year" she explains putting her hand around my shoulder only to lean on my other shoulder. I glance at her nodding for her to continue, "He proposed to me a few days before...our last mission...together." she wipes a few years away.

I got going over to  my car to show Monica the techno adjustments I made to it, "I put in a Bluetooth and had the seats made more comfortable for long drive purposes"I explain to her while she took a look inside of the car.

I lean against the car and when she came Monica walks in front of me "When I get a better job I'll reply you back for helping me" she gives a beautiful grin making me clear my throat nodding my head uneasily, "Are you okay?" she raises an eyebrow putting a hand on my shoulder deciding to give in. My hand wrap around her waist kissing her lips feeling my desire to want her growing, but knowing I just also fucked up.

Monica Pov

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My eyes widen when Alex press his lips to mine I do admit that I was going to kiss back, but I feel my heart telling me this is wrong. I linger for a second then pull away with my eyes wide not able to form words "Take me home" I tell Alex finally able to spill sentence. Getting inside of the car buckling on the seat-belt having nothing else to say to my own friend who just kiss me.

Alex and I didn't talk for the whole ride only to have this awkward tension filling both of us. When we got to my house I glance at Alex slightly biting my bottom lip "Alex I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm still dealing with my craziness" I take off my seat-belt once I finish then I reach over to Alex kissing his cheek feeling Alex rub my cheek, I pull away getting out of the car closing the door from behind me.

I continue to walk feeling this gut wrench wrongness of when I also want to kiss Alex back, but part me wants to keep Ernesto inside of me and not allow anyone inside. I just don't think I can let go of the fact that Ernesto is dead and I will always love him-he was the man I was going to marry and now that's all gone.

Next Day

Waiting outside of the therapist waiting room I pick up my hair in a lazy bun my mind still on the kiss of yesterday night. I rub the bottom of my lip with the tips of my finger still feeling Alex lips upon mine; I sigh shaking my head trying to think straight, when hearing my name I got up going straight inside seeing James sitting down waving at me, "What happen between can never be discuss. I can loose my po-" from there I ignore him knowing the whole policy thing of what he is getting at.

We both stood quietly in the room for a few. I didn't know how to put into words how I feel for one I never been good at saying my feelings or expressing them to people at first. "Monica I need you to talk to me. For this to work we need to find a solution for the problem." I sigh rolling my eyes again not wanting to hear what he has to tell me.

I sat up throwing my hands in the air giving in, "I don't know how to let go of Ernesto I fucking love him even after he died I still can't stop thinking or feeling that he is still with me, and I slept with people after he died. Nothing made the pain go away only making me feel number every single moment-" I pause catching my breathe feeling my fist balling in rage "-Ernesto didn't deserve to die. Not even my own people. It is my fault and I'm going to have to live through that pain knowing I killed a parents daughter or son...I'll see you tomorrow" I walk out of his office hearing James calling after me, but right now all I have is this rage boiling in me again.

My head is throbbing with my ears feeling like they have air inside and I need to pop them to hear better, but I don't do that instead I thud against the driver door panting feeling the blood from my head come down to my body when it stops throbbing. My memories were despairing again I can see myself going to a bar and might fuck the brains out of some random fuckable man or woman. I close my eyes breathing in and out shakily then taking out my phone calling Alex as Francis is at a business meeting to open his Art Gallery.

***

Alex steps out of his car seeing that I'm on the floor fidgeting with my hair to get me to stand up my two foot. I wrap my arms around his stomach hugging him tightly breathing out a load of stress. We stood there for a good half an hour holding each other in are arms till we both let go and I told him that  I'll meet him at home, so we can talk better and relax while I tell my mother that I will be moving out soon. 

After a few minutes I get out of the car looking at our door while thinking mire and more about my past and how I should let go, but this boiling pot in me wouldn't let me; like I have some debt to pay to some bill collector that is on my ass. I also couldn't resit that urge of how my mother pretends she knows nothing about Ernesto and won't talk about it with me; instead she mopes around about when I tried to to bring it up yesterday only to dismiss me by waving her hand, she probably is still mad at me when I snuck out for two long weeks.

Opening the door I see Alex in the living room playing Assassin Creed Unity while he stuffs popcorn inn his mouth trying to kill some Templar. I plop down next to him pressing the pause button hearing him gasp "How dare you?" he glares at me amusingly then slumps back grinning I just smile punching his shoulder to bug him.

We both chatter away how are day was, but then I rest my head on his shoulder pressing my nose against his neck smelling his spicy caglone that fills my nostrils; Alex is different from Ernesto while Ernesto was this guy hot headed, always trying to prove point, but can be sweet in his own cute way Alex show this sympathy, this excitement to fill people, and even if at times do get tough we both made it together without losing each other.

I felt Alex pull me closer to him while I drape me arm around his neck I rub the back of his neck moving my face to resting it on his unshaven chin feeling Alex resting a hand on my cheek giving it a nice gentle stoke, I move my lips only inches from his feeling his hot breathe of panic hitting mines while I couldn't dare to look into his knowing I will see strong urging emotions. I look into his eyes making a daring move to do so, and it's what I see that runs a spark in me then just then I feel Alex press his lips to mines certainly taking my breathe away from. That moment on are lips move in a sync way making my lungs burn for air closing my eyes to just feel and not think

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                                  I hoped you enjoyed the great chapter. Have a great winter break or Holiday