30 Days with Noah | ✔

Day 3 - Fear

Char: Iron Bull & Noah

Summary: Noah has nightmares about their trip to the Fade. He talks to Bull about how he thinks his worse fears have already come true and how it will reign true once more.

Rated: T

30 Days of Noah

Fear

(verb) being afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

Twisting and turning, whimpering and moaning. With a gasp, he shot up, hand reaching out and grasping nothing but air. He shouted: "Hahren!" Wild, light green eyes wide, glistening with panic and terror. Slowly, the terror glaze gave way to despair. He clutched the blanket in quivering hands, staring unseeingly out the balcony window.

He had failed them. He had failed them all.

And he was destined to fail again.

He clenched his eyes shut as hot tears threatened to spill. Throwing the covers from off his body, he slipped from the bed and made his way to the balcony. He stood there clenching the stone railing tightly.

He didn't know how long he had been standing out there. It had to had been a long time because the heat in his body was completely gone. He started at the feel of a warm, large hand settling on his hip. The hand went from his hip to his back where it rubbed comforting circles.

He pulled away from the railing to look up at the large Qunari staring down at him. He could see his eyes still held a sleep glaze to them.

He hadn't even known the Qunari was still here with him. They would occasionally go for a rump or two in the sheets. Noah would fall asleep, but when he awoke the next day, Bull would be gone. He assumed the large Qunari never spent the night. He could be wrong;however, because he never stayed awake long enough to find out. "Noah?" Noah was silent as the giant man brought a hand to cradle his face, using a thumb to wipe away the tears he hadn't realize he shed.

"I failed them." Noah whispered. "I failed...I'm fucking useless...I'm nothing..." The elf pulled away from Bull's warmth and stared up at the sky.

"Failed who?"

"My clan...Lavellan isn't my original clan. I came to be with Lavellan because I failed to protect my clan..." He let out a shuddering breath. "Aeradhen...Noalanniel Aeradhen...I'm no Lavellan. I failed my clan, ran like the damn coward I am, joined a new clan, and tried to forget all of my failures. I can't run from it. No matter how far I run, I can't get away from my fears, my failures, my shortcomings, these damn feelings..." Noah gripped the railing again. "I had finally buried the memories...The memories no longer plagued me...the sadness was just a dull throb in the deepest pit of my heart...it wasn't a distraction but now," a dry sob released from thin lips. "I can't...forget...its there at the forefront of my thoughts. Playing over and over and over and over again. Torturing me with my mistakes and the things I should have done but did not do. I am not fit to even wear the mark placed upon my face..."

Bull was silent as the elf continued to speak between sobs. It pulled at the large man's heart - which frightened him. He didn't like seeing the elf like this.

"I do Elgar'nan a great disservice. I am a disgrace to my own kind. I-"

"Noah, you are none of these things," Bull did not like the way the elf was tearing himself down. He reached his arm around to place a hand on the elf's chest and pulled him to him. Noah let out a surprised breath. He looked up, pressing his head against the Qunari's chest to peer at his face. Bull could now clearly see the tears streaming down the smaller man's face.

"I am. I have failed in the past and will continue to fail. I cannot...I cannot go on like this...The inquisition will fall with me as their leader. I have not done anything to warrant their trust. I have been falling along the way and will continue to fall until I plunge to my death. They need to-"

"Cut it out," Bull snapped. "You have not been failing. Look at this," Bull was gesturing over the balcony towards the fields of the hold. "You helped build this. This was because of your leadership. You've brought these people hope and the will to go on in their darkest hour. You did this."

"But..."

"No. You will stumble along the way but you have friends that will help you back up. We're not going to allow you to plunge. Our hand will be there to catch you. You are not alone in this. You are not failing."

"Bull..." Noah whispered. "I want to believe what you say...but," Noah looked away. "The memories came back. The trip to the Fade pushed everything forward and all the work I've done backwards. I'm not as strong as you all claim."

"Noah-"

"Do not try to say 'You're not as weak as you think'. I know my limitations. I know what I cannot do and what I can do. Going on without fear was foolish but helpful. Now that I have my fears again..."

"Like I said, you're not alone in this. You don't have to face them alone. We're here for you," Noah looked up at Bull silently. "I'll catch you if you fall."

"Thank you..." Noah responded back after awhile of silence. Bull smirked.

"Now, come on. I'm starting to get cold and it feels like I'm hugging a chunk of ice right now." Noah gave a tired grin as Bull pulled him back into the room.