song for this chapter is: This Probably Won't End Well by All That Remains
"How do you think this is going to end?" I asked Brian, eyebrows pulled together as I watched the road and buildings pass us by. I wasn't asking about any one thing in particular. I was asking because of what's going on in our life; everything that's happened over the last few months.
Our life kept raining down a massive shit storm upon our heads. The things that were private -- the secrets are pulling and pushing themselves into our public life. Zacky and Gena's marital problems, Brian and Michelle's decision to try for a baby through a surrogate -- that's a new one, I know, -- Jimmy and Leana's upcoming divorce. Mom and Dad's severely fucked up marital issues. It's a never ending play going on with us as the main stars. I hope who ever the fuck watches this is getting a kick out of it!
I think Brian knows about the kiss Jimmy and I shared; the fans were correct in assuming Brian and Jimmy are pretty damn close. I would be shocked if Jimmy hadn't at least hinted at it! There were very few and far between things that weren't shared between them.
"I don't know," he glances at me quickly, eyes darting back and forth from me and the road, " with us, it probably won't. Us meaning everyone." A heavy sigh rushes from his parted lips, "It probably won't end well." He finishes with a predominant frown upon his lips; the frustration in the lines of his face showing through his normally cocky demeanor.
This life of ours is good, but it is the furthest thing from easy.
"Promise me you'll always be here." I whispered softly, the sound of it harsh in the silent car.
Brian turns to me, we were at a red light, and grabs hold of my hand, "I will always be here."
~
"Don't you think we should talk?" My voice was loud having to yell over the practically screaming music that was playing on the sound system.
The room I am in is dark, extremely so. Jimmy never really likes having a ton of light in his rooms, and if it wasn't for the overhead lamp, this room would be completely dark. My room was very similar in that aspect.
I had an Elvis Presley blanket that covers the one stray window in my room. It's fleecy, and black, so it serves as a good light absorbent. Then there's the fact that my room is covered in The Walking Dead posters and signed autographed photos, underneath the color is grey. All in all, I have your typical 'troubled' teen bedroom.
It served it's purpose and it fit me.
"What's there to talk about?" he asked me, his back was facing me, so I couldn't see his face. That didn't stop me from glaring like he could. Was he really going to pull that? Was he really going to act like it never happened? I really wouldn't be held responsible for my actions if he did decide to feign innocence! As if he could even try!
I wobbled slowly over to the sound system, clicked a few buttons, and successfully turned the loud ass music off. "Don't fuck with me, Jimmy." I breathed harshly through my mouth, my eyes narrowed into an icy glare.
"That's what I'm trying to prevent!" he shouted suddenly, his blue eyes were wide and frantic as he turned to me. "Don't you see that? Don't you understand! It was a mistake and I shouldn't have done it!"
So that was a stab in the heart. His words caused ice to wrap itself around my heart, it's hold was painful and sharp. I blinked my eyes several times to void them of any tears that sprang up, I wouldn't cry. I couldn't cry. I refuse to cry!
I hunched over slightly in hopes of it dulling the imaginary pain, but to no avail, the pain lived on. "It didn't feel like a mistake." I whisper softly.
"Whatever game your playing, Meagan... You need to stop." His tone was serious. "I am not going to do this with you! Whatever you were hoping to accomplish by bringing this up, it's not going to happen."
"You kissed me!" I reminded him.
"Yes, I did! That doesn't change the fact that it was a mistake!"
"Why would you kiss me if you didn't want anything to happen?" I questioned him, my eyes were wet. The tears were seconds from slipping out.
"It was a mistake, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to!" He suddenly walked over to me and grabbed one of my wrists, "You have to understand though, this," he gestured between the both of us, "can't happen. I'm your dad's best friend. I changed your diapers, Meagan!"
"What does that have to do with anything," I knew what it had to do with it, I just didn't want to act like it.
"Everything!" He shouted, I flinched away from him. "It has to do with everything."
~
I spent the night crying into my pillow and nursing a pint of Rocky Road ice cream. My only company were the dogs on both sides of me and Bucky Barnes. He had it worse than me: A missing arm, a missing memory, he'd been in cryofreeze for most of his life, and he was an assassin for Hydra unwillingly and they were making him try to kill the person he loved most.
He had it way worse than me.
In a way, I think he and I were alike. I couldn't explain it to you; it may just be me latching on to something that I knew made me happy, but I felt that way.
I mean, obviously I'm not a 90 year old man who fought alongside Captain America in World War II, but I'm lost like him. I experience what he feels. I can relate to him.
If that makes me sound crazy, then so be it.
~
'I'm sorry it didn't turn out well' -Elise
'you aren't the one that did it' -Meagan
'I can still say I'm sorry *sad face emoji*' -Elise
'that just seems so pointless *frustrated emoji*' -Meagan
'Maybe so, but I'll say it either way' -Elise
'You know I'm here for you' -Elise
'i know' -Meagan
'and i love you for it' -Meagan
'is it weird that i'm this upset?' -Meagan
'No!' -Elise
'Dude, he basically punched you in the metaphorical balls and kicked your metaphorical puppy. *angry emoji* You can be fucking upset' -Elise
'i feel like i'm overreacting *crying emoji*' -Meagan
'You've been in love with him for at least 4 years.' -Elise
'The guy kissed you and then basically dumped a bucket of shit on you. He's lucky I don't kill him! *fist emoji; gun emoji*' -Elise
'haha i globbing love you *insert laughing gif*' -Meagan
'It's because I'm awesome' -Elise
Fun Fact: I actually have that Elvis Presley blanket covering my window
