Let me help you ~ Niam

Chapter 14.

As soon as Niall heard a key rattle in the door lock, he was on his feet and walking into the hall. It was a bit cold, but he didn’t know if it was because the sudden rain that had wiped away the sun outside, or his heart that still felt like an oversized ice cube. Either way, he was shivering when he stood only clad in his boxer briefs in front of Liam. Liam bent down and placed a bag of groceries on the floor, straightened up again and closed the door behind him. He first smiled at the sight of Niall, but any sign if happiness faded and was replaced by worry.

“What’s wrong?” Liam asked and walked further into the flat without removing his shoes or coat. He stood before Niall with his big, beautiful eyes and he was close enough for Niall to feel the scent of damp fabric from his rain-soaked coat.

“This…” Niall breathed out and pushed the letter into Liam’s chest. He had expected himself to scream out the words, but his body wasn’t working right now. It was only aching with worry and agony.

Liam looked at the paper with his eyebrows furrowed in a confused expression, but it didn’t take more than a few seconds before his face softened with realisation.

“Niall…” Liam started with a sad and gentle tone, but Niall didn’t let him get any further.

“Please, Liam! Don’t do it!” It was like someone had turned a tap, because Niall was instantly brought out of his lame state and heavy tears started to flood down on his cheeks.

“You can’t leave me here! I need you… I don’t know how to live without you. I love you, Liam. Please, just please” He begged out and he felt his knees give in beneath him, but fortunately Liam caught his limp body in his arms. Niall gripped handfuls of Liam’s coat and held on to them like it was the only connection to life. But wasn’t that the truth? Liam was his connection to life, and now Liam was slipping away from him.

“I won’t leave you, I promise” Liam’s voice vibrated through his chest and Niall instinctively felt safer, but not for long.

“I-I-I didn’t… And you… Why?” Niall was sobbing uncontrollably; stuttering out words that made no sense and gasping for air with small, sharp breaths.

“Shhh, calm down” Liam soothed with a soft voice. “Let me explain”

Niall nodded mutely and they sunk to the floor together; wrapped in each other’s arms.

“The letter and the pills are old. I was going to kill myself, because I was just so tired of living such an empty life as I did. I didn’t exactly want to die, but I definitely didn’t want to live either…”

“But why-“

“Shhh, let me finish” Liam cleared his throat. “It’s hard to explain how miserable I used to be, because I can barely remember it”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Niall asked with tears still making their slow way down his cheeks. These tears were much calmer than the storm that had burst from his eyes a couple of minutes ago.

“Because…” Liam sighed deeply. “Because it’s you who changed my life. The day we introduced ourselves in the tube, it was the day I had decided that I would… do it. I was actually on my way home right then to take my own life, and engaging in a friendly conversation with you would be my final ‘good deed’, because you looked so sad. Then, however, when you broke down on the pavement and started crying and when I took care of you, I suddenly felt so… needed. So I said to myself that I would delay the suicide for a couple of weeks, until I would’ve gotten you on your feet again. And then I fell precipitately in love with you, and I wanted to live! I feel so alive when I’m with you and I just didn’t want to tell you so that you would stay with me for the sole reason that you feel like you have to”

Niall was speechless for a few moments.

“You mean… That I’ve kept you alive? That I brought you out of your depression?” Niall could barely believe it. Could he, tiny little Niall, really have such impact on another human’s life?

“Yes. You always speak about how I’ve helped you, when in reality it was you who helped me” Liam smiled sweetly and took Niall’s hands in his. Niall looked deep into his eyes and he could almost see the depression resting in there.

“Do you still want to…?” Niall trailed off, silently asking the obvious.

“Sometimes. I try not to think about it, but it’s hard not to when you are used to be in that kind of mindset” Liam admitted and lowered his head like he was ashamed.

Niall wasn’t going to lie. Knowing all of this hadn’t calmed him down at all; it had only made him scared. Terrified of screwing up and awake the consuming emptiness that was sleeping in Liam’s soul.

Niall loosed the grip on Liam’s hand slightly.

“I… Liam, I don’t know how to handle the responsibility of… this. I mean, I don’t know how to have a boyfriend who is suicidal, or how to stand the constant worrying. I won’t be able to love you like I used to if I’m always scared of losing you” Niall hated himself for speaking those words, but he knew that honesty was the only answer. Liam was blinking away some tears that threatened to fall. The whole flat was silent, except for their in-sync breathing, and it was like the air itself had picked up on the sadness.

“I see…” Liam mumbled and refused to meet Niall’s eyes.

“I don’t want to leave you” Niall clarified and let his hand stroke over Liam’s head; the hair was growing out again and it was as soft as a baby’s hair.

“Tell me what I can do to make you stay” Liam brought his own hand up to cover Niall’s and steer it down to his cheek. He turned his head slightly and pressed his lips against the inside of Niall’s hand.

“Seek professional help” Niall whispered and put his forehead against Liam’s; he could feel the warm puffs of Liam’s breath on his lips.

“Of course” Liam sounded so relieved, and he wrapped his arms around Niall, fingers gripping at the bare skin of Niall’s back. The hug that followed was desperate and they were closer than they had ever been before.

It was a strange sight; two lovers sitting on the floor and clinging to each other; one fully dressed in outdoors attire, the other not dressed at all.

And that moment represented what they both knew; it was going to be better from now on.

~~~

A/N: I excuse the lame ending, I’m very tired… btw, next part should be up soon too, at least this weekend :)