Julian

IV. April, Ch. 44

     Shelley tried, several times over the past few days, to get Bruce to talk, but every attempt at opening up his past ended with "This conversation is over".

     Their rides home became more quiet.

     "Do you not trust me?" asked Shelley.

     Bruce tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "Don't start."

     He pulled the car into Shelley's empty driveway, but didn't turn off the engine once he stopped.

     Shelley tried changing the subject. "Douglas is going to squeal, isn't he?"

     Bruce kept his eyes straight ahead. "Not if he knows what's good for him."

     She was seeing more and more pain in her friend each day, but she was afraid to soothe him.

     If Bruce never wanted to talk about it, it was fine by her. She just wanted to be the one to close that chapter. "Whatever it is, I don't need to know. Either way, I won't judge you. Okay?"

     Bruce looked down.

     She waited for him to do what he usually did, which was get out of the car and open her door.

     After a few seconds of sitting still, Shelley felt her heart sink. He wasn't going to open her door. He was upset.

     Resigned, she tugged at the door handle.

     Bruce reached over and grabbed her left wrist.

     Shelley gasped. Please, don't hurt me.

     He asked her to stay with his eyes.

     She nodded and closed the car door.

     Bruce released her wrist and shut off the engine. He rubbed his face with both hands. "Douglas and I were close when we were kids."

     Shelley made herself comfortable in her seat.

     He crossed his arms in front of him, keeping his eyes on the steering wheel. "Hell, we were best friends. Almost brothers. And I liked looking out for him. But then, when I entered high school, I started making other friends and I guess he didn't like that."

     Douglas? Jealous of Bruce's friends?

     "When I was a freshman," Bruce continued, "I met Lawrence, and he became my new best friend."

     Shelley realized just how little she knew Bruce. Could she really handle anything he confessed?

     "One day, during summer vacation, Lawrence came over to my house for a swim. Douglas was there, too. Lawrence said he needed to ask me something in private, so we went to the back of the pool house."

     Bruce rubbed his eyes. The conversation was clearly draining his spirits.

     "You don't have to tell me everything," said Shelley.

     Bruce smiled at her. "I'm okay. It feels good to talk about it."

     He took a deep breath. "Once we were alone, Lawrence asked me..."

     Silence.

     He hesitated. "He asked me if I'd ever kissed a girl before."

     Shelley smiled. Hearing that Bruce was once innocent was charming.

     "I told him I hadn't. He told me he hadn't either. We both just looked at each other and laughed."

     He looked at her again.

     She could tell it was a different Bruce from any of the others she'd ever met. This Bruce was scared, misunderstood, and lonely.

     "And something clicked. I don't know what it was, but it was nice. I realized I liked who I was. I wasn't ashamed or confused. And I think Lawrence felt the same. He must have."

     The sentences were a mishmash of nonsense that Shelley didn't comprehend. Did I miss something?

     "And right there, behind the pool house, in nothing but swim trunks, he... I...we sort of..."

     The suspense tortured Shelley's nerves.

     "I kissed him. Or he kissed me. I don't remember."

     Shelley's mouth fell open. Of all the things he could have said, this wasn't even on the radar.

     Bruce closed his eyes. Then, he reopened them and looked at Shelley with conviction. "But it wasn't weird. Not for me. I didn't see what was so wrong with it."

     Bruce's past behavior all of a sudden clicked in Shelley's head. His angry denial of appearing emotional or even remotely interested in anything feminine. It made sense.

     "All of a sudden, I remember hearing my dad call my name. Douglas was next to him, pointing a finger at me. My dad ordered Lawrence and Douglas to leave. And once they were gone..."

     Another deep breath. "He slapped me. Hard. In the face."

     Shelley could see tears glistening in his eyes. Her heart was breaking for her friend.

     Bruce sniffed a tear that escaped through his nose.

     "Douglas...he told your father?" said Shelley.

     His face became angry again. "He couldn't stand me having a friend besides him. He didn't care about all the good things I did for him in the past. He wanted to ruin me because I wasn't his buddy anymore. And the worst part is I actually loved Douglas. For the longest time, he was my favorite cousin."

     Shelley's gut churned acid. All affection she once held for Douglas disappeared. She felt the same about any potential affection she could have felt for Bruce's father.

     Bruce wiped his eye with the heel of his palm. "Everything went downhill from there. My dad sent me to doctors and all that, lots of them. My mom tried to defend me, but she just got into fights with my dad over it. My older sister Judy was in college, so she didn't see the worst of it."

     "And they kicked you out?" said Shelley.

     Bruce shook his head and sniffed. "Not really. When my father was asked to take over operations for Cassles Oil in Europe, I offered to stay behind and live with Uncle George for my last year of high school."

     "Did they not want you to come?"

     "I just wanted my parents to stop fighting. I figured getting out of the picture would help. Being away from them would be my way of making up for the trouble I caused."

     "But you didn't cause any trouble."

     Bruce covered his eyes with his hand and broke down. "Sometimes, I don't know."

     Shelley dropped her bag on the car floor and leaned over to hug him.

     She was slightly surprised to find Bruce wrapping his arms around her as well.

     The car was filled with Bruce's hearty wails. "I miss my mom and dad so much. I just wish my dad would look at me like he used to."

     Shelley rubbed his back as if she was massaging her own pain away. She choked on her own tears as she spoke. "I'm here."