Misfit (Phan AU)

Chapter Eighteen

 (a chapter even longer than usual, a rarity. Oh, also Dan mentions ADD in a kinda joking light just fyi if that'll upset you, it's from his character's POV not mine, I know it's not something to joke about!)

*Dan's POV*  

I watched anxiously as Phil disappeared around the corner, trying desperately to reason with myself that chasing after him simply wasn't an option. It's not like I had some perpetual need to be close to him now that we were sort of getting along or anything, but of course I'd prefer his company to the two total strangers opposite me. Even now, while my eyes were longingly staring toward the space I'd last been able to see Phil, I could feel their gazes on me like a physical weight.

I wanted to step back into the shadows where they couldn't stare at me so intently, to somehow blend in and camouflage myself into the rows of nerd stuff behind me. When Phil had first asked about going to his shop I'd been hit with a tidal wave of mixed emotions. Initially there wasn't a doubt that I wanted to go, I wanted to see the last huge part of who he was that I hadn't been introduced to.

But, like always, the niggling feeling of dread came seconds after the initial excitement, a taunting voice reminding me that I wasn't just meeting Phil's store, I was meeting his friends too. Stores I could handle, stores didn't look at you like they were in a position to decide your worth solely on the first few seconds since they'd met you, stores didn't make you feel uncomfortable and foreign in your own skin, stores didn't have opinions. And, while I doubted Phil would associate with anyone that was known for verbally expressing negative opinions, something about that was worse. I wouldn't even know what they thought of me, not truthfully at least, because if they didn't like me the chances they'd let me know were even slimmer than the chances of them liking me in the first place.

Not that it matters whether they like me or not. It's not like I care what they think of me, or anyone else for that matter. It's not like their personal opinions about me are going to affect who I actually am. If they can't get to know me well enough before passing judgment, or if they don't like who I am or how I act, that's their problem, not mine. I don't need their approval, I don't even really want it.

Except I do. And it doesn't make sense, not in my head and even less out loud, but it's the way I am and I've been struggling to come to terms with it for years now. It's beyond me, how I can care so little and so much at the same time. It's a constant battle between the two and to be honest, I'm tired of fighting it. Even Phil, who seems oblivious to anything and everything around him, had pointed it out. He'd called me contradictory, which, unbeknownst to him, was probably the worst thing he possibly could have called me.

The amount of repressed feelings he'd unintentionally churned up with that observation was painstakingly high. I didn't tell him that though, of course not, because he didn't deserve the guilt that'd go along with the knowledge. It hadn't been his intention to cause me any discomfort with it, he probably didn't even think I'd care. I mean, it's not like it isn't obvious, how contradictory everything I am is. I just, wish it wasn't. It complicates things, makes it harder for me to go on pretending I'm definitely one-hundred-percent living a normal life. It's hard enough to lie to myself and pretend the way I act is healthy and not detrimental to my well-being when I'm not being reminded otherwise from someone else.

Cat acknowledging it is one thing, but Phil, Phil is something else entirely.

It put all of the things that I tried to ignore to the forefront of my mind, all of the things I did that definitely opposed what I wanted to be doing, or what I insisted I was doing. It made it a lot more difficult to continue living in denial, and perhaps that's one of the main reasons I haven't let anyone get close to me.