Misfit (Phan AU)

Chapter Seven

*Phil's POV*

My feet felt a lot heavier all of the sudden after I left Dan's room, to the point I was barely picking them up off the floor with each step I took. It wasn't like me to let things like this get under my skin, to let them really affect my mood this way. I usually brushed it off no matter how important it was, insisting that it wasn't worth ruining my day over and if I was still sad and thinking about it later before bed, I'd let it affect me then.

That outlook had always worked wonders for me in the past, I never found myself truly dwelling on things that upset me, therefore I found it way easier to find solutions to each of the problems. It was a foolproof plan, but as it turns out, it wasn't a Dan-proof plan. The only times recent enough for me to remember where it hadn't actually worked were the day I met Dan, and this morning.

There was something different about Dan, nothing worked the same for me when he was involved. And it was so incredibly frustrating, for lack of a better word. I was used to everything going my way in the end. I'd always firmly believed that hard work and dedication can get you anything you want, but so far it's failed to even get me a budding friendship with the man I live with. I've fought constantly with myself over the last week, debating whether I should try harder or just throw in the towel for good and accept things between us weren't meant to work out.

I wasn't a quitter though, I'd never given up on anything I truly wanted in my life. And I was slowly coming to the conclusion, it really did matter to me that I befriended Dan. Maybe it was just because I was stuck living with him now considering I refused to admit I'd made a mistake, but I felt like there was something more to it too. I guess it might have been that he really was the first thing that didn't come easy to me. Sure, at the time getting my store had seemed impossible, but not like this. I still made progress, or even slipped backward and lost progress, it wasn't a constant standstill like it is with him. I'm determined to do something, anything, to change that at least a little bit. Preferably in a positive way rather than a negative.

The harder he tries to keep it from happening the more inspired I get that it has to, that I have to prove him wrong. Except, your desperate efforts can only be shot down so many times before you start to doubt yourself after all. After Dan's irritated outburst toward me when I was certain I'd finally done something to please him with those groceries, today was definitely a doubtful day.

Getting ready to leave after that had been next to unbearable, my body refusing to cooperate with me. Every time I reached for something my arm would snap back against my chest and I'd curl in on myself again, letting out my fair share of pathetic whimpers as I fought with the urge to cry. I do not cry. Apparently I get useless enough while sad that I can't complete simple tasks like getting cereal for my breakfast, but at least I don't cry, right? Crying felt like something official, crying felt like giving up and admitting you'd lost. I wasn't quite to that level of doubt yet.

So instead I forced myself through the motions of a normal morning, struggling through each event the same as the last. It was all halfhearted and weary, but eventually I found myself standing by the door with my bag of preparation stuff for later that night and an incredibly unconvincing smile on my lips.

I looked back over my shoulder before I left, scanning the kitchen to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything or left any mess. My gaze lingered in the corner, eyebrows furrowing together. I felt uneasy, almost like something was watching me. 

I decided I definitely didn't want to dwell on that though, instead letting my eyes flicker to look down the hallway. My frown deepened then, staring unhappily at Dan's closed door. Just another way he goes about shutting me out I suppose.