𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐈𝐃 𝐈𝐓 𝐄𝐍𝐃? ,𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐆𝐄 𝐁𝐔𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑𝐒

15

—- REAL LIFE

PAIGE BUECKERS

The ride back from Husky's was quiet, mostly from me. I drove back to the dorms, zoned out on the road as Nika and Azzi hummed along to Brent Faiyaz connected to the car. My head rests on my left arm as it lays on the car window. I don't know what was wrong with me today, or why I am screwing everything up. I just can't handle seeing her with her. Every move they made together just reminded me that she is no longer mine, and it's my fault. Ever since we talked, I try and try to act normal, like I can be "just friends," but I don't know how. No matter how hard I try, I will never see her as just my best friend. From the minute I met her, till now, she's always been something more than that.

I heard glimpses of Nika talking about Avery, who recently won't shut up about, while Azzi studied my face. She knew I was ignoring her stares, but I didn't care. I knew that she was about to go into her "Therapist Azzi" ways, and I'm stuck knowing she is right, when all I want is for her to be wrong. She is never wrong, unfortunately. The road in front of me blurs as I do my best to hold in the frustration and confusion of the life I am living right now. I'm just so tired. I'm so so tired of living with the mistake I spend everyday regretting. I'm tired of pretending that I don't want something more with her.

"What's going on?" Azzi asked me, her eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, what's up P? You've been off today." Nika joined in, as she looked down at her nails.

"I'm good, just thinking about stuff."

With these words, Azzi turned back to face the road, silence coming over her. Nika uttered a grunt in response. Both of them knew not to bother me anymore, that repeatedly asking wouldn't do much help. I appreciated the concern, but it's my problem to sulk over and fix. I fucked everything up, so it's my job to undo it. I just don't know how.

Once we got back to the dorm, it was now 3 PM, and I was bored out of my mind. Me, Azzi, and Nika walked into the room, seeing that everyone else was already there. KK, Aaliyah, and Ice were bundled up playing Fortnite, a common hobby of ours. Everyone was laughing, and I enjoyed the sound. As I walked in, Aubrey comes up to me and pokes me in the stomach playfully, causing me to crack a smile. We join hands and I playfully hit her in the arm. Everybody waves hi as I walk to my room.

Azzi and Nika were already sprawled on my bed, so much for personal space. The string lights above my bed were turned on, bringing a yellow dim glow to the room. Nika was on her phone, and Azzi was folding up the various tank tops on my bed I had tried on and failed to like before lunch. I went to change after practice super quick, but most of the time was taken picking out a tank top. I stood at the foot of my bed, messing with the bandage Leighton had applied on me earlier. It was keeping pretty good shape, I was just eager to see if it had healed any yet. I pulled back the bandage, sucking in a breath as the adhesive intensely pulled at my skin. I'm not that much of a baby, but when it comes to taking off bandaids, I'm a bitch.

"What's with all these tank tops?" Azzi asked, holding a pile of the folded tank tops I didn't wear.

"Couldn't find the right one."

"Paige, why did you change anyways? Like, we never change directly after practice, or at least you don't."

I had no clue how to answer her question. I gave her a shrug of my shoulders as my right hand travels down to my bandage, lightly holding it. The bandage texture was smooth, however my body tingled as I remembered the hands that were just there hours ago.