Like A Supernova

Chapter 12: Solace Come With Roses

I hated it, honestly. I hated that I was still alive.

But there I was, sitting on the hospital bed with some family members crying tears of joy, Ethan cheering while he was begging me to not do anything so stupid again.
I was slowly looking around, numbness still filling my body to the brim.

"Why...why couldn't I do it? Am I that fucking useless? I can't even kill myself right..."

Those dark thoughts continued to creep up inside my mind, keeping me awake at night, and making me start to suffer from intense insomnia.
The antidepressants weren't enough, and I was certain that somewhere, behind those corners of the hallways, Death was waving at me like some old friend. And yet, I had been stripped from her grasp, and I was there, looking into the roof of the room while the darkness filled to the brim my pitiful gaze.

One night, I couldn't sleep like always, and so I was laying there, my semi-closed eyes were wondering around the room while Ethan was asleep, as he sat in front of me on a chair that didn't look in anyway comfortable, before I finally fell asleep, and in that moment, I had a dream that felt very, very fucking real.

I was sitting in a park, a small lake in front of me and it was bustling with life, while kids and people were walking around smiling and talking, sometimes laughter could be heard, and yet... I was watching from afar, just listening to birds singing while the sunset was slowly setting, before an old man sat beside me, and asked me.

"How are you doing, young man?"
"Well, I can't say I'm doing fine, but I don't know really."

He turned his head towards me, a gentle smile on his face, before moving his head again, looking at the sun, and he replied.

"And why is that, may I ask?"
I sort of scoffed, looking down at my hands, and slowly tried to find the right words, before his left hand pat my knee, slowly speaking.

"You don't have to tell me, boy. I think I already know the answer. But, allow me to reformulate my answer then."
"Do you want to change?"

And to that, I kind of nodded, silent tears starting to form on my eyes, not a word coming out from my lips.

"But, why do you want to change?"

"I...I want to become a better person, I don't want to hurt anyone again..."

Little drops fell onto his hand and mine, as the sun shined on the little pond in front of us, and then he chuckled, and I could feel his warm gaze towards me, but...I couldn't return it, I felt ashamed, I felt ugly and embarrassed, but he said.

"I know, Aaron, and you can do it."
"But how? I can't even face the people I hurt, and...and I can't even-"
"Listen, my son."

His words felt comforting, like a kind and loving embrace, and like that, my heart was slowly beating a little more. My head rose a little, and I could finally meet his gaze.
His eyes were filled with compassion, love and affection, and as he spoke, I could feel the warmth inside my body again, I felt a deep sense of relief and gratitude, before he spoke again.

"You are a better person already, because you recognize your errors, and you want to repair them. Aaron, my child, you are strong, and I know that deep down, you are stronger than anyone else, but not because of your muscles, but because of your kindness. I know you may say that it isn't true, but you have it in you."

"I was...a terrible person, I hurt people, I even hurt myself and those that I love...I don't deserve this, not now-"

"Everyone deserves second chances, especially you that started to better yourself. Change is not immediate, it requires strength, willpower, but most importantly, time."

He added on, and I could not understand why he was so persistent about my situation, but before I could try to speak, he said.

"Do not worry, my son, and remember to not fear, for I am with you; I will strengthen you and help you, because I will always be here for you, even if you don't believe in yourself, I will be here to protect and support you through every step and adversity."

He smiled and turned to the sun, standing up slowly before slowly walking away, to the sunset, before turning around for the last time, his smile still shining bright in his compassionate face, and he said.

"Remember to have faith in yourself, and in everyone else, love yourself and those around you in the same way."

"But what if they don't have faith in me?"

He looked at me, chuckling for a moment, before adding a final, meaningful sentence.

"I will, and I always have."

And with that, he walked away, and I woke up right then.
I sat right up, breathing heavily while my heart monitor was beeping faster than usual, and Ethan, startled by the sounds, jerked his head up and looked at me concerned and confused, his voice still a but raspy as it came out a bit jarred.

"Are you okay? Did something happened? Why...Why are you crying Aaron?"

I raised my arm a bit, my left hand grazed my wet cheek, before I dried my tears off slowly, before slowly talking.
"N-No...I just slept a bit, but I had a strange dream."

His head tilted slightly to the side, even more confused than before, while asking.

"Like? What was it?"
"I had a conversation with someone, and he...he said some things and-
His face was visibly contorted, trying to understand the words that were coming from my mouth, so I just said.
"Maybe I should just try to sleep again, right?"

"Right, if you need anything just...shake me, I don't know."

And after that, he went back to sleep, and he drifted into the land of dreams in a second, already breathing softly while his head tilted back and rested onto the wall behind him, finding a comfortable position immediately.

I laid back down, slowly closing my eyes, looking at a rose that laid on the table near the bed where I was resting, a single piece of paper was placed in front of it, a little phrase written on it.
"Hope you get better soon, with love <3"

I smiled, before eventually closing my eyes and laid still in that bed.

That was the first night I slept.