I Don't Deserve This (Unedited)

Chapter 12 ~ Broken?

Trigger Warnings
⚠️⚠️⚠️
Implied SA
Physical harm
Physical As**lt

I sit in my chair with an unexpectedly happy smile on my face as we eat and laugh and tell stories of the funniest things that we've encountered at the Hellp Desk since we arrived.

Lithuania and Braxton always have a part of them touching me. At one point Lithuania has her legs hanging over my knee while Braxton leans back with his arm over my shoulders. He spends the time making subtle references to how sad it is I can't stay with them overnight again.

"Anyway so this pretentious dick legitimately thinks he's getting somewhere by saying this, I shit you not he actually thought he could get to heaven by calling me a prissy self-indulgent whore." We all laugh at the thought of a soul so dumb he actually thinks that calling someone something so mediocre and borderline rude would get them sent to heaven.

"So I'm guessing he was meant for level 4 atleast." Penny laughs. "There's no way anyone meant for a level higher than 4 would treat you like that expecting the golden treatment."

"Wait isn't this the guy that tried to slap you and instead ended up whining about a broken nail when he hit the forcefield? Then he got mad when a passing soul called him a prissy little Twink?" Sharkie asks. "I'm not going to lie the look on his face when he got called that... I laughed so hard I peed myself." They start laughing so hard they collapse.

Lithuania snorts laughing and almost falls off her chair. I catch her and pull her into my chest so she can't hit her head on the desk. Braxton ends up laughing so hard he starts choking on his food and when I see his hands fly to his neck I freeze in fear Lily stands and I watch as she quickly rushes over to him and from behind him she uses her clenched fist and her other hand on top of it to force it out from his sternum. The food pops out and he's still laughing as he's coughing and begging for air. I get him to sit down and fret as he slowly calms down.

"Ok maybe let's not laugh so hard when we're eating." My anxiety rides high as I gently rub his back.

"What was that? I need to know how to do that." I turn to Lily almost begging her.

"It's the heimlich maneuver." She gently rubs his shoulder and Penny is setting her food down ready to make sure Braxton is ok.

"I'm fine guys. Don't panic." He kisses the top of my head and Lithuania kisses his forehead.

"Promise?" She asks staring into his eyes intently.

For the first time I feel a rush of jealousy watching them.

I shake my head to deal with it later.

"I swear." He turns to me and stares deep into my eyes. "I'm ok. Really." The rush of jealousy is immediately quashed when I see how worried he is about us.

The doubt and worry about our relationship stays with me.

"It won't be long before they realize I'm too broken and decide to leave me. I have to make the best of it and enjoy it while I can before it's gone."

The incredibly depressing thought runs circles in my head and flashes of tearing my father apart hit me full force.

I shake my head forcefully and grab my plate eating bigger bites than I probably should.

"Jace, honey, what's wrong?" Lithuania asks and I shake my head. I chew forcefully and swallow long before I should chasing it down with an entire cup of soda.

"I'm fine. Really. I'm fine." I wrap my arms around myself and try not to cry.

"Jace honey, you don't look fine."

I get up and race out of the room. I hear people calling behind me and find myself in the storage closet. I curl up on the ground in a ball among the shelves.

"Why am I so broken?" I ask no one as I rock back and forth.

I hear the door open and push myself into the corner hoping the boxes around me keep me hidden.

"Jace? Honey? Are you in here?" Lithuania asks softly.

"No. Jace isn't here right now." I pull my hood up over my head and pull the strings so it closes over my face. "Jace doesn't exist anymore." I curl tighter in on myself and bury my face in my knees.

"That's too bad because Jace has a lot of people out here who love him and want to make sure he's ok." She slowly moves into the room and sits on the floor a couple feet away.

"You guys should stop worrying." I stop rocking. "Everything has gotten so amazing and I just.. I don't deserve this... I don't deserve to be happy so why do I keep acting like I do?" I ask quietly.

"I know how you feel." I start shaking my head before she's even finished. "Can I tell you something I don't talk about very often?" She asks.

I nod silently. A distraction might be what I need right now.

"I've been through something similar. We. Don't talk about it much because no one like to talk about how bad it was but there has been someone who ended up in paradise who didn't belong there, and he...." She pauses for a second while I slowly pull my hood. Back so I can see her face, gasping when I see that it's twisted in fear and pain. "He held me captive for a long while."

"What?!"