I Don't Deserve This (Unedited)

Chapter 5 ~ Puppies!!

I always thought I was happy to just stay out of the way.

To never be seen.

To be ignored.

So what is this feeling?

I stride down the hallway. The loose slack of the blue string trailing towards home as I head out of my therapy appointment. My tears have dried and I feel a lot better. We've been working on sorting through what I can remember and I'm getting better at dealing with them.

Remembering isn't so bad anymore. We can remember the things we went through without all of us reliving it. It took some time but as we worked on our mental health the easier it got to remember that our life is over. We made it to a better place.

Joe being separated was hard but we still see him a lot. He has his own paradise and he visits a lot.

Elizabeth leaving was almost harder. She was ready and we couldn't ask her to stay, we didn't want to be selfish. Now she's thriving and she's thinking about reincarnation.

Will shares a room with Justin and they were ecstatic to get to spend the time together. You never see one without the other anymore.

Cali is content just being the mom of the group, she loves being able to watch over us and she keeps saying she doesn't see herself ever leaving them.

The littles are growing so fast. Lily says that Summer is around 12 now.

Cali was worried at first, thinking something was wrong.

"But we're dead, how can they be growing?!" Cali asked. Her anxiety was palpable but Lily and Sharkie were ready.

"I died when I was a kid. Now I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically an adult. I'm short but I'm an adult." Sharkie laughs.

"They're healing and growing as souls. This is good." Lily consoled Cali.

I smile at the demons as I head towards the Hellp Desk. My phone chimes and I chuckle, knowing it's Cali. She's come to terms with the fact that they're growing but she knows she's going to have some serious empty nest syndrome when they leave.

Cali 🤱 (mom emoji)- So I'm still thinking of some hobbies I can pick up for when the kids don't live at home anymore. Do you think I'd enjoy crocheting?

Me- So you didn't like making models as much as you thought you would?

Cali 🤱- It got old really quickly.

Me- That makes sense lmfao

Cali 🤱- I'm thinking of trying crochet. Do you think I'd like it?

Me- Sure. I always like to put a show on and watch as I work. It's a good way to keep your hands busy while you shut your brain off.

Cali 🤱- Is that healthy? It kind of feels like an avoidance technique. I thought your therapist said it wasn't a good idea to avoid your bad thoughts.

Me- I use it less as a way to avoid the bad thoughts and more as a way to enjoy myself. It's feels nice to not have to think sometimes. It's relaxing for me.

Cali 🤱- That makes sense. I'll give it a try. Thanks honey.

Me- Anytime.

Cali 🤱- Do you know when you're going to be home? I'm thinking about making meatloaf for dinner.

Me- I have my first day with the Hellp Desk today and the girls want to take me out to dinner after. Can you save me some though? I LOVE your meatloaf.

Cali 🤱- I completely forgot that was today! Good luck with your first day! I'll make sure to set some aside for you. I love you.