Short Story Competition 2024 [CLOSED]

Entry 7 - 𝑪𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒊𝒔𝒎

Author: KarbieAuthor (Quotev)

Genre: Adventure

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There are some mistakes throughout the story, for example writing Africa with the title 'the', explaining things twice in the phrase 'wild animals in the wild', adding in words that aren't necessary ('for another story for later'), adding commas when they are not needed ('So, now we have Natti') etc.

I enjoy the concept of the main character being a zoologist, as I really love zoology and wildlife. I cannot find many stories about these topics, so it's nice that you wrote one.

The tense in the story started in the present, for example in the sentence 'I find the baby elephant', but later it switches to the past, for example in the phrase 'I walked away from the elephant'. The tense continues to change throughout the story. Please be careful of this! I tend to make this mistake myself, you're not alone!

I don't quite fully understand how the poem ties in with the understanding given at the end. I feel like it could've meant something more, like it could've been deeper. Maybe an explanation of the meaning of the sky and stars and how they tie into the symbol of the elephant's freedom.

I love the quote 'it itched my brain'. I am going to use it when I speak to others from now on lol. I like how it sounds.

I feel like the sentences seem quite, I don't know if jumbled is the right word? Sometimes they feel quite long, other times it seems like a short sentence is randomly added, for example 'And she was my best friend.' It just seemed kind of off as I read the story. At times you also connected your phrases with 'and' too much in a single sentence.

I really do not understand why Nueo gave Natti to his uncle. At first it says because he needs the money badly. It just seems quite selfish, it was his fault for doing that, yet then he argues with his uncle and lets Natti go as if we are meant to see him as a hero? That's the vibe that I got from reading the story, but please correct me if I misunderstood. I really don't understand how he doesn't properly explain what happened to his friends later, but mentions that he's sorry for nearly betraying them. If I were his friend I would have questions about what he exactly did, and not saying what Kechi said, that she's happy he didn't get himself killed.

The part with her brother Isaiah feels kind of random. A character we didn't know about pops up at the end of the story. I feel like it would work better if he were mentioned and more intertwined with the story beforehand. It would make more sense and fit better into a short story, where character development is very limited.

The concept is brilliant, I like your ideas. Keep writing and practising. Just try to get a little bit better with each story. It will go a long way! Thank you for your entry!

SallyWriter :)