WHY THEY LEFT (#Wattys2015)

17. So Lost Confused Again

Rosalie
I Feel So by Boxcar Racer

A ways down the road, Carmen picked me up. I had wandered rather far from Danny's house but my mind was a little bit hazed so I was unsure. My odd incapability of processing how stupid I felt was the root to it all and I knew it. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I so... me?

Danny seemed off, different if you will. It was as if a switch flipped in him. To be honest, I didn't like it. He was normally purely a bad ass who liked to be blatantly and absurdly inappropriate, harsh, and slightly sexual. He was briefly letting something different show and I, personally didn't like it. Not that I like the regular Danny either.

I ducked into Carmen's car, a knot in my stomach. Why did I do that? Why didn't I just listen to that voice in my head? If I had just walked away like my mind was screaming, how horrifically odd I acted could've been completely avoided.

"What happened?" Carmen asked. I understood her curiosity. I mean, hell, I would be curious if a friend texted me at whatever time it happened to be in the morning, asking for an urgent ride home. The knot in my stomach tightened. How was I to explain that I had just told Danny I wanted him then completely walked out. It was like my mind was having a battle between polar opposite opinions. Why didn't I walk away?

"I don't know what just happened exactly?" The way I said it sounded like I was almost asking it as a question. Was I? Who knew at that point; I was feeling so different. This wasn't Danny making me feel different and this wasn't me feeling some deep rooted emotion meant to change who I am on an almost spiritual level. This was an odd mixture of anger and guilt, balling up into a tight knotted ball deep in the pit of my stomach.

No wonder Danny seemed off, I thought, because I am certifiably insane and not thinking straight. My stomach knot got tighter when Carmen asked," Did someone just loose their V-Card?" I cringed. Not at the thought of, well, sex but just because I was thinking about how stupid I was feeling. I went after something and acted like it was the worst thing in the world. Maybe for a night Danny Maverick would be a passionate lover. Nope, I said in my head, waving that thought away.

"No, Carmen. The V-Card is still very much in tact." It might've been the sleep deprivation or maybe the general darkness of the setting but I swear I saw a fleeting look of disappointment on her face. I realized then that I was a bit disappointed too. What was wrong with me? Why was I like this? "Thank you for the ride, by the way," I added to break the growing silence that began to heavily fill the car.

"No problem," Carmen replied with a smile. She could be alright sometimes. That was, when she wasn't hammered drunk or naked in a boys bed or throwing things at me as I tried to drag her ridiculously hung over body home. She turned down my street. I was somewhat relieved to be almost home. Maybe I could sleep this off. Maybe this was all a dream and I could wake up from this horrific moment in time and just go back to Danny being Danny and me being me.

She pulled into my drive way, shutting off her headlights to disguise that she was, well, pulling into my drive way. The sun was beginning to pear over the horizon, scattering small patched of dim golden light on random patches of the world below. I began unbuckling my seat belt. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about this, Rosalie?"

"One hundred percent." My voice was full of insistent firmness. I did not want to talk about this. "Thanks again," I said, ducking out of the car and shutting my door behind me. My mind was a foggy and stirred as the air was outside. Carmen backed out and drove towards her street. Damn was I glad to be home.

Getting into my house was never a big issue if I had sneaked out. The front door was almost always unlocked because no one really broke into houses here. Sure, one or two houses a year but that was like rare and abnormal. Buckley wasn't slumped in his usual place on the couch for the first time in a long while. I brushed a way thoughts of where he might've been. Yet unconsciously, I was thinking, this is al a dream so of course he isn't going to be in is classic spot. But the harsh truth of this all being reality was a cold, painful slap in the face.

I finally looked at a trustworthy clock, reading the time 7:08. Glorious, people will be up soon. The sarcasm was so fierce in that one thought. I was not feeling anything right then and there. I walked lazily up to my room and sprawled out on my bed. My eyes feel shut and that's all I recall.

****

I picked up my phone with sleep still blurring my vision. 4:23pm was a blinding message on the screen of my phone. Underneath, I scrolled through the various notifications on my phone. I gave up on scrolling and went straight to my messages.

Call me if you want to talk. -Carmen

I sighed. I don't want to talk about it. I glanced over and erased several that were forwarded long chain messages or things from endless group chats that you didn't even want to be part of.

Hey. Meet me at the park downtown at five. Please come. -Jake.

That message cheered me up a little. Another boy on my mind other than the one who's name makes me feel like a terrible person. I rolled off my mattress and stripped. I found new clothes, a t-shirt with no logo on it, just gray with little bleach spots, and a pair of shorts and a pair of strappy sandals. I ran my fingers through my hair, becoming slightly pissed off and frustrated at the smell of chlorine that followed.

I sprayed my self with a jet stream of perfume to overpower it but it lingered in my mind more than my nose. That pool smell. Memories of summer camps and days with my friends as a younger teen. Then memories of last night. I shuddered. Don't think about it. Not worth the effort.

****

I pulled up to the lot in front of the park downtown. I had spent sometime with friends here, having bonfires with a bunch of kids who just got hammered and sucked each others faces, but time spent none the less.

Jake was alone, dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a shirt from Hollister. Classic casual rich boy attire. He seemed slightly shocked when he saw me stepping out of my car. He met me at the car when I got out. "I didn't know if you would actually come," He said through a smile.

He kissed my cheek and motioned with the nod of a head for me to follow him. I walked by his side over to the swing set that was placed near a bunch of dirty picnic tables and old wooden benches. We sat and swung back and forth, just talking. About life. About the past, the future. I tried my hardest to avoid the present for fear that I would yell about how confused I was. I let my feelings just drown out, the angry feelings of course, as these new feelings of normalcy blanketed over them.

But I couldn't help wondering about when that blanket would be stripped away, forcing me to face what was held underneath.

-Parker. Hope you enjoyed! This chapter is dedicated to silvershadows56. Thanks for commenting. next chapter is dedicate to a random VOTER. Vote for your chance.