Yn Williamson

Guilt

( you walk inside to see your mum still asleep on the sofa you think it's best to get her upstairs to her bed for her to be more comfortable )

Yn : mum wake up we should get you upstairs to be you'll be much more comfortable ( she say grabbing her crutches )

Mum : oh ye thank you sweetie
( you help her upstairs before walking back into your room )

( you go on your phone and start to try and find route to take without making it obvious as you know your dad will see )

( you then begin to prepare dinner for you and your mum )

Yn : here you go ( you say passing her some pasta )

M : thank you sweetheart

Yn : no problem mum love you I'll be back to help you for bed in a bit ( you say leaving the room )

M : I love you too darling

( you spend the next few hours watching your sister play football you can't help but think about how much you want to be like your sister you used to spend all your free time watching the girls play football and would do all the clubs you possibly could the girls would always love to play football with you and help you with your techniques etc you miss it immensely ever since you left you haven't touched a football )

( you realise you should probably go help your mum get ready for bed and clean up the dishes etc )

( you help your mum get ready and put her tv on and then turn off her lights grabbing her empty plates shutting the door )

( you walk downstairs grab some dish soap and fill up a washing bowl with warm water and begin to clean all the empty dishes and glasses )

( you then clean up the living room empty beer cans everywhere chucking them all in the bin and mopping up the spilt beer and then head up to your room with a sponge and hot soapy water in a bowl and begin cleaning your blood stained room )

( for the first time you feel a sense of calmness you feel relief could you finally be able to see your sister and the people who actually seem to care about you , again )

( you then head downstairs and dry the washing up and put the washing on you the go and sit down and watch a movie )

( a couple hours later 10 pm you take the washing out and get yourself ready for bed )

( as your lying in bed you can't sleep how are you meant to sneak out the house for hours without your mum realising , she needs you there's no way she will let you go she Knows if your dad finds out it wouldn't end well as much as she wants to see her daughter again she also wants to protect her daughter )

( you begin to think you won't be able to go you start to feel guilty leaving you mum what if something happens what if she needs you )

( you start to realise that you can't go tears start streaming down your face , your so close but so far from seeing them again )

( without thinking you run to the bathroom and put the shower on the highest temperature to try and focus on something else you just stand there fully clothed focusing on the boiling hot sensation running through your vains the pain feels so relieving everything you've been through in the last almost year these boiling showers are the only thing that keeps you going )

( a couple minutes later you exit the shower and walk back to your bed grabbing a towel on the way and then drying yourself before getting into bed and you soon drift off focusing on the burning sensation across your body )