To conduct the singing misfortune [Dazai and Reader]

A Very, Very Long Meeting

A long day of slacking off passes, which Osamu had spent prioritising preparation for tomorrow – Atsushi's entrance exam. A quick half-an-hour discussion with the President later, and we'd been given the go-ahead to commence hiring the tiger boy. A few more useless events passed, and the day began after work.

Osamu and I were wandering into Café Uzumaki. Kunikida sat across from Tanizaki over tea, and a few other regulars sat in the café lit by the soft, warm lighting. The late winter day sat beyond the window. I catch the end of Kunikida's sentence, "...Sensing they're nearby brings flashes of black and white over my vision. It's a natural warning signal, so give me a few seconds to relax."

"Th-that sounds awful...I know how you feel, though..." Tanizaki pities the man as he waits for Kunikida to recover. "I'm the only one in the Agency who can keep that worthless vagabond Dazai and the pestering idiot [Y/N] in check. Nobody can control them, but the President has asked me to manage and supervise him. In other words, the President trusts me, so I cannot abandon my role to–"

Kunikida stopped, his posture stiffening and his face pale once we entered the room, and his dazed eyes wandered to the lights above.

"That's my cue!" Osamu sings out, catching Kunikida's conversation, and Kunikida yells in shock, "Ahhhh!!" I'm only included in Kunikida's stress-induced condition because wherever I am, my brother's never too far behind or ahead, I'm sure. Definitely. Totally.

I smile innocently into my hand, "Heya, Kunikida!" Kunikida's condition worsens, and he clutches a hand over his stomach, slumping in his chair and groaning painfully.

Osamu swings the paper bag in his hand as he wanders in with me attached to his side as usual, "Ah, I could never get tired of hearing Kunikida's lovely screaming. I could see the life span shortening with my own two eyes. Oh, I'll have my usual black tea, ma'am. And [Y/N] the same." The kindly woman pokes out of the back, "Oh, Dazai! Handsome as ever, I see! And little [Y/N], following swiftly in his footsteps!" She flatters us, Osamu returning the compliment whilst I grin, "Thank you!"

I skip sitting beside Tanizaki, squeezing myself on the small table. Osamu seats himself beside Kunikida. "What are you two doing here?" Kunikida sits up straight again, clearly annoyed. "Huh? I came to shed a few years off your life!"

Kunikida faces Osamu abruptly, lunging forward and wrapping his fingers around my brother's neck.

I help myself to the food on the table, watching with an unbothered smile. "How much do I have to suffer by your hands before it's enough?! When... will...it...stop...?!" Osamu's presence alone was torture, and it looked like Kunikida was at his wit's end. Osamu laughed loudly despite being strangled.

Tanizaki timidly raised a little from his seat, raising his hands as if trying to control the situation, as his eyes escaped to all the onlookers in the café, "C-come on, let's calm down. We're in public." He desperately looked at me for help, but I shrug, "No one here cares." It's a frequent occurrence, and the regulars watch without judgment. It was a strange place. Tanizaki seats himself again, anxiously laughing.

Kunikida shook Osamu by his neck as my brother dreamily smiled. "You're too laid back! How dare you show your faces again this late at night! Just where were you at work today?!" He was now looking between us for answers, and I hid my face behind my hands. Osamu might be okay with being strangled, but I'm not. "Out annoying someone just like you always do, no doubt! Who do you think cleans up after you and apologises for your mess?!"

I perk up, smiling widely and raising my hand, "Obviously it's y–!"

"There's no way in hell I'm going to let you finish that sentence!" The hands ringing Dazai's neck twist, and I hear a pop as Osamu goes into a state of contentment.