An Old Summer Daydream (Old Summer Trilogy #1)

27

"Break up?"

Yori wiped his tears, trying hard not to cry in front of me. Huminga siya nang malalim at tumingin sa itaas para pigilan tumulo ang mga luha. 

"Yes... It's not healthy for us anymore." 

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ang iisipin ko. Parang nablangko lahat. 

Masakit ba? Nagsisisi ba ako? Tatanggapin ko na lang ba? Ano ang unang mararamdaman ko? Isa lang ang sigurado... Hindi ako magagalit sa kanya. Wala akong karapatan. 

Napagod na siya... at nakakapagod naman talaga... kaya tumango na lang ako sa kanya. "Okay," mahinang sabi ko.

"Okay?" Mas lalo siyang naluha sa reaksyon ko. "Fuck... Pagod na talaga ako..." 

"Pagod ka na, Yori. Bakit ipipilit ko pa?" 

"So this is how it ends, huh? Yes, I'm tired. I'm so tired... so I don't understand why a part of me still wished that you would say no... I just wanted to feel that you care for the last time."

"I do care... kaya nga pumayag ako. Pagod ka na at nahihirapan ka na..." 

"Nat..." He sobbed and covered his eyes with his hand. "I'm sorry... I already did everything... but you've been brushing me aside the whole time. I don't know what to do anymore. Nauubos na ako..." 

"Hindi mo na kailangan magpaliwanag. Naiintindihan ko kung saan ka nanggagaling." Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya. I could feel something on my chest. "It's my fault after all... so don't apologize."

"Are you really okay with losing me?" 

"Yori..." Ang gulo-gulo ng mga iniisip ko. It was like there were scribbles inside my head. I wanted to say a lot of things but there was too much in my head, hindi ko alam kung ano ang uunahin kong sabihin. "I... I'm sorry." Iyon na lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko.

Kinuyom niya ang kamao niya at pinunasan ang luha niya. Matagal niyang pinakalma ang sarili niya habang ako ay nakatingin lang sa kanya. Parang nablangko na utak ko. 

"Reach out to people... Your family and your friends. They have been trying to contact you, but you've been ignoring their messages and calls. They are just waiting until you're ready to talk to them, Nat. They are not disappointed in you. Communicate with them," payo niya sa akin nang kumalma na siya. 

"Have they been messaging you?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"I message them... but don't worry... I didn't tell your parents about what you've been doing." He bit his lower lip and looked away, wiping his tears again. Tumulo na naman ang mga luha niya. "Get back to your senses, Estella. A lot of people love you. I love you...  I love you so much... and that's why I'm doing this."

With that, he left. Naiwan akong nakatayo roon. Everything just flashed back to me. Everything I did. All the feelings I had been trying to avoid. All the people I had been ignoring. How I had been treating Yori all along. 

The breakup did not even make me break down... because it wasn't sinking in. I just went home and sat on the sofa. Ininom ko ang natitirang alak sa ref habang nag-iisip. 

Nakatulala lang ako at iniisip lahat ng sinabi ni Yori. Binuksan ko ang inbox ko at nag-scroll sa lahat ng messages na naiwan doon. I was on Do not Disturb for a long time and I purposely didn't read them because I was afraid of what they would say. I was afraid people would express their disappointment in me. 

But I saw that Mom and Dad messaged and called a lot of times. 

From: Daddy

I'm sorry. I know you asked us for space and to give you some alone time to cope, but I'm in front of your unit. Let's talk.