Synthetic Darkness (MFM)

Chapter 34: Special Brownies

He hadn't meant to really draw blood, the plan was to just feel a different kind of pain. Happiness wasn't achievable. Hell, numbness would have been preferable over the constant ache in his chest. When Kale had slipped the disposable razor into his pocket while his mother stood outside of the bathroom door, it was only supposed to be an experiment. A test to see if he could chase away the pain, no matter how quickly fading it might be. The first day, it was just thin, white lines with faint redness surrounding them. They didn't last but for a few minutes and were barely felt. It didn't work to change the pain.

By Monday afternoon, he had graduated to actual cuts. They weren't lethal and were easily hidden under his shirt, his parents never noticed the small slashes on his chest and upper arms. Kale was thankful for that, it would just be another sin for them to add to his list.

He got over confident of his control, the small razor blade was poised over his heart, the place that hurt the most, and he pressed in deeper than any of the other cuts. Blood slid down his chest, seeping from the 'x' he had carved into his skin. It had worked, brought a sense of relief he hadn't felt in weeks, but the release didn't last long enough. He needed more and deeper. Needed to feel that fleeting sense of escape.

The sound of footsteps outside his bedroom door kept him from attempting another slice. He quickly fumbled with his shirt sitting beside him, tugging it on and ignoring the rush of pain that spread through his hip and the fresh wound on his chest. Later, he could do more later. His fingers slid the razor under his pillow, hiding it for easy access when he needed it again.

His bedroom door crept open, since his confession the previous week, his parents tiptoed around him. Maybe his words had made them realize he wouldn't change just because they disagreed with him. Maybe they were just as finished with him, as he was with them. Kale didn't really question the motives, didn't really question anything, really. Except for his existence.

"Ready for your stretches?" Rita asked while standing in the doorway.

Kale pulled his metal walker in front of him and eased up from his perch on the side of the bed. The motion had his left knee and hip screaming in protest, threatening to give out and drop him to the floor. After he regained muscle control, he began the trek around his bed, the metal walker creaking with each unstable step he took.

They went through his list of stretches, working sore muscles and man made bones, he fought past the fire that burned wildly inside of his body. What he was fighting for, he didn't know, maybe he had some sense of self-preservation after all. Sweat broke out across his forehead and upper lip, a sign that he had to be doing something right. The fresh cut over his heart stung, his t-shirt rubbing against it and mixing sweat into the shallow opening.

His mother helped him through each excersie, quietly praising him and whispering encouragements. It was all she was able to say to him without feeling guilty. Since his confession she hadn't wanted to say or do anything that would cause another, afraid of what he might tell her next. Afraid he would make her examine the actions she and her husband had taken.

They thought they had been doing the right thing, but the haunted look in his eyes when he had said... when he said he wished he had died. Just the thought caused her remorse. The words were hard to digest. Not only did her son miss those people, but being away from them was...

No. She wouldn't admit it, not even to herself. Kaleb would get better, he'd heal and then he would see that there was a reason behind it all, a punishment and redemption for a lost soul. That had to be it, a sign from above to help push him in the right direction. They did the right thing.

She pushed the errant thoughts from her mind, focusing instead on helping her son in a more important way, "One more push Kaleb and we can get you back in bed." The fingers holding his foot against her chest gave him a reassuring squeeze. "You've gotten better with resistance, I actually had to push against you this time."