Happy Endings

15. ellie

Warning: grief, sadness, the not so fun stuff

"I've got a lot to pine about. I've got a lot to live without.
I'm never gonna meet what could've been, should've been.
What could've been you."

☼

Kellin Quinn didn't remember much of it. The day often came to him in scattered pieces he's been miserably–and unwillingly–unlocking and putting together every anniversary. And the more he did, the more he knew how unnecessary it all was. He was more than okay not remembering anything, he'd rather never think of the day again, but his brain tricked him every single year and there was nothing he could do about it.

And this time it was no different. While he walked that all-familiar path surrounded by tall cypress trees and the early chirp of birds waking up, he remembered the rain. Which was a bit ironic, given how nice the day was right now, all clear skies and sunshine already hitting the umbrella over his head. The irony of the umbrella didn't go past him either.

That day, the most difficult and most awful day of Kellin's entire life, it rained heavily and incessantly over the entire city. He couldn't pinpoint exactly when it began, but now that it was coming back, he recalled how everyone had to gather last-minute umbrellas and raincoats for when the service was over and it was time to head down to this same open plot.

It wasn't supposed to rain this time of year.

Stop. He wanted to tell his brain. Stop remembering.

He couldn't. It made Kellin's stomach churn with dread. And the train going backward in his head kept going. It was always like that. Happened every time. And he was stuck watching it all play out in front of him, helpless. And he saw it all.

How the grey clouds gathered and exploded in tears just like everyone else mourning the loss of the best person he'd ever met. The weather giving his condolences, perhaps, God saying I understand. But did he? Kellin didn't even think there was a god anymore.

How the rain soaked him as he led the procession, his tears mixing with the heavy droplets from the sky, his sister's hand holding him tightly as support. The ache. The pain he felt dulling with every year passing but that was there every second of his life, in his heart. How back then it overpowered every single nerve end in his entire body, leaving him blank and numb for months to come. 

And it all happened right where he was standing now.

Kellin took off his sunglasses and kneeled on the damp grass, still holding the umbrella over his head, the sun still too much for him to deal with. He blinked and blinked, took breath after breath, his gaze focused on the stone plaque on the ground with gold letters.

He didn't say anything at first, but he reached out a hand and touched it, laying his palm flat over it, right where the date read the same as the date on his watch. In his mind, he felt like he could transport all his thoughts to her this way, all the thoughts he's had for another year.

Another year.   

It was uncanny how long it had been already. He refused to believe what it meant. Four years. That was more than a thousand days without his best friend, and he missed her. With everything in him. He missed her kisses and her love. He missed being a parent with her, and they didn't even get to do that together for too long. He missed her for their child more than anything in the world. 

He wondered when it would stop feeling like this. He wondered when would time work its magic and make it not hurt as much, make him forget he was in pain every second he breathed. That's how it worked, right? He knew he would never forget about her, though. But sometimes it felt unfair that he still could see her smile, hear her voice, her laugh, her songs. everything so vividly still. It only made him hurt more.