Saving Sawyer | ✓

Chapter 35 | I'm Finally Clean

[SEQUEL INFO IN THE FINAL PART]

Chapter 35 | I'm Finally Clean

"Doesn't matter how tough we are - trauma always leaves a scar; it follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point: all the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward; it's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up." - Grey's Anatomy

"Don't let them cremate me, okay?"

"What?" Graham laughs, giving me a weird look.

"When I die," I explain. "Don't let them cremate me. I want to be buried really far from other people and I want a Grey's Anatomy quote on my tombstone."

"Why would you want to be buried?" Sienna interjects from the other side of my bedroom, where she's spinning around in my swivel chair. "Like, you're literally gonna be in an over-priced bed decaying; it's gonna be gross," She states. "That's why I told Vince that if we get married and I get super sick when I'm old and die, he has to have me cremated. Did you know that if you get cremated they could turn you into a diamond? Wouldn't that be cool?"

"No," I deadpan, shaking my head and stroking Calliope's head as she nuzzles her way onto my lap. My poor kitten; I only got her a day ago and now I already have to get ready to say goodbye to her. I mean, who's going to take care of her now? Maybe Aspen will; I'll have to ask her when she gets back.

"What about that isn't cool?" Sienna wonders.

"Everything about it isn't cool," I scoff, rolling my eyes and then averting my attention back to Graham, who's lying next to me, watching ESPN on my TV. "But seriously, make sure that it's a nice service, okay? Have them play that If I Die Young song by The Band Perry and make sure the people at the cemetery give me a good, meaningful Grey's Anatomy quote for my tombstone. You know the one Meredith always talks about her mother always saying to her when she was a kid? The carousel never stops turning? Yeah, I like that one - that's a nice tombstone quote, don't you think?" I ask him curiously.

"I mean, I guess, but you aren't dying," He says.

"Well, yeah, not yet, I'm not," I mumble. "Soon."

"Sawyer," Graham sighs, muting the TV and looking over at me. "Stop stressing out about this, okay? You're gonna be fine; everything's gonna be fine."

"But you don't know that," I remind him, getting the familiar prickly feeling in my eyes like I always do when I'm about to start crying. "What if it isn't?"

"Soybean," Sienna interjects once again, stopping her spinning and looking at me with an empathetic look. "It's gonna be different this time, I promise."

"Yeah, that's what I thought when Christmas rolled around," I mutter. "I thought that since so much time had passed, things would be okay. And, just in case you forgot, they weren't okay. They were about as far from 'okay' as possible, actually. I almost died. Like, literally, my heart nearly stopped beating."

Today is Saturday, June 6th, aka, Prom Night, which means it's been exactly one day since Graham graduated and I got that awful phone call from Serena.

I should be doing all of the stupid little trivial stuff that most girls do the day of their Prom - wondering if I remembered the boutonnière and calling the hotel to make sure our reservations are still in order and hoping that it doesn't rain tonight, even though there's a 85% chance, and trying to figure out how I'm going to do anything at all while wearing these stupid acrylic nails that Aspen assured me would be a "great"idea because they're "so pretty."