another day (Bucky xreader)

Chapter 35

trigger warning, mentions of self harm. (If you are struggling please call 988)

Y/n pov

    They never stopped. The voices kept shouting, screaming. I can't take this anymore. I look at the clock reading 11:32 a.m. I can't leave, she'll kill them. The fight I had last night drained me. Trying to quiet her and the voices. 

    Blood, there's so much blood. "I'm a monster." I tell myself. "Why me?" I whisper to myself. I pull my knees in closer to my chest. "Why am I not died? Why was I the one to live?" I ask my self. The weight is unbearable. Zola, Red Skull, Korbin, everyone, they all haunt me. All the victims, their screams.

    I'm still in the shower, my skin is purple and I feel like passing out. But wont let myself, I can't. What if I wake up and I can't fight her. I end up sitting there a little longer, I start to scratch at my legs until their raw. Wanting to think of something other then all this. 

Steves pov

    It's 11:32 a.m. Normally Bucky is out of his room by now. All night I heard him talking to himself, sometimes in english and other times in russian. I walk to the main dinning room and grab a cup of coffee. "How are they?" I hear Tony ask. "They haven't come out of their rooms, Bucky was talking to himself all night. I had him back, I had him back and now, I lost him." I say.

    "You didn't loose him. He'll be fine. What about Y/n?" Tony asks. "I don't know." I say, I'm mostly worried about Bucky. "We should check in on them." Tony says. I nod my head in agreement. "Check on who?" Tony and I both look over to the door way where we see Wanda. 

    "Actually, she could help." I hear Tony say. "Help with what?" She asks raising an eyebrow. "Yesterday Rumlow got into Bucky and Y/n's head. I just want him back." I say hanging my head. "What do you need from me?" She asks. "Can you help them clear their heads?" Tony asks. "Sure, I know Bucky is ok with that most of the time. But what of Y/n?" Wanda asks. 

    "They both need this." Tony says. "I'll help." She says. We make our way to our floor. I told her that we should do Bucky first. "If she doesn't let you help, I know she'll let Bucky." I tell Wanda and Tony. They both nod in agreement. As we walk into Bucky's room I see him in the corner of the room.

    His hair is stuck to his face and I can see tear streaks. His face and eye are red, and his shirt is on the floor. His human arm is tracing over the scars on his body. "Bucky?" I say cautiously. But he doesn't answer. I walk closer to him and reach out my hand. "Bucky it's me, Steve." I say. "Why?" Is all I hear him say. 

    I look over to Wanda, she walks up to him and puts her hands on his head and the red starts to swirl. After about 30 minutes of Wanda in his head she finally comes out.

Bucky's pov

    After the ruff night I wasn't really present. My mind felt blank. I started to hear someones voice in my head. "Bucky? Bucky can you hear me?" I hear a familiar voice ask. "Wanda?" I ask. We're inside my head, it looks like where in my old house.

    I hear a knock on the door. I over and open it and see Wanda. "Wanda? What are you doing here?" I ask her. "You are in your mind. We tried to wake you up but you where just mumbling." She says. "What happened?" She asks. "I don't want to talk about it." I say. "It's the only way for you to come back." She says. 

    I sigh. "It's Rumlow. He got in my head. I thought I was free from HYDRA but I guess I was wrong." I say looking to the floor. "You know he was just trying to get into your head, right?" She asks. "I know, it's just. I guess with Y/n being back, Iv'e been thinking more about HYDRA." I say. 

    "She was the one that trained me. She tought me everything I know. Don't get me wrong I love her! It's just, I can never forget the memories." I say. It's true, I don't blame Y/n and I love her more then anything. But I've just been thinking more about HYDRA. "I understand Bucky." Wanda says in a carrying voice. "But your the only one that can help Y/n. You had Steve to tell you who you used to be, but she doesn't have anyone." She says. "Let's go help her." I tell her. Then we're back in the real world.

    I'm on the ground and I grab my throbbing head. I let out a groan, then Steve runs up to me hugging me. He practically takes us to the ground. "I was so worried." He says hugging me. "Well I can't let those bastards win, now can I?" I say. "Where is she?" I ask. "In her room." Tony says. 

    Steve helps me up and we leave my room, and go into Y/n. As we walk in I hear the shower running. I can hear her talking to herself, although I can't quite make out what she's saying. I walk up to the bathroom door and knock. "Y/n? Are you ok?" I ask, but there is no response.  "I'm coming in." I tell her. But as I open up the door my heart drops.

    I rush over and quickly turn the water off. "Oh my gosh!" I say rushing to her side. Her skin is purple, and she is drenched. Her legs are bleeding along with her back. I look to her hands and see blood in between the nails, meaning she was cutting her legs. I go to take her into my arms, trying to stop her shaking body. "Holy shit." I hear Tony say under his breath. "Y/n, wake up!" I say. "Wanda, come help." I command her.

    Wanda comes to my side. "But what if-" She starts but I cut her off. "It doesn't matter." I tell her. Wanda nods and goes into her head. About 10 minutes in Y/n starts to fight. She's moving and trying to get free from my grasp. "Y/n, Y/n it's ok. It's ok. I'm here my doll. I wont let them hurt you. Their not real." I say. I put my lips to her forehead and kiss it, talking into her.

    She ended up calming down and started to rest a little bit more. "I'm calling Bruce." Steve says. "No!" I say louder then I intended. Steve turns around to face me. "Bucky, look at her? She's purple and she's going crazy!" He says basically shouting. "No, it will make things worse. Let Wanda handle it." I tell him. "Come on love, wake up." I whisper into her ear. 

    After I say that, she jolts up and starts breathing heavily. "Hey, hey, it's ok. It's ok I've got you." I tell her. I grab her and wrap her in a big bear hug, trying to protect her. "I don't want to be her." She cry's. "I hate it, I hate it James." She says in mellow voice. "I know, I know." I say softly, stroking her hair. "It'll all be ok doll." I say, putting my chin on her head. 

    I look over to Wanda, and mouth a thank you. Steve is by her side comforting her. I look over to Tony who is still in the door way. I don't care about him right now though. I only care about Y/n. I only care that she's ok. I just want Y/n, I just want my doll, my love.

Well I hope that's a good spot to end it. I want you all to know that if you are struggling with depression, anxiety, ed, body image, etc, you ARE NOT alone. You are loved and you are enough. Don't ever give up hope, and don't let other people tell you what your worth is. Please stay safe. Again call 988 if you are struggling.