Sincerely, Anonymous

February 5

February 5

Dear Annabeth,

There is now a full fledged investigation going on for Emma. Her parents told the officials that I was the last person she was with and now there is a full fledged investigation going on about me too. I burned the letter Emma made, it was already memorized. I guess I have gotten a little better about keeping my emotions in check. I had the officials wrapped around my finger. I appeared confused when I needed to be confused. I cried when I was meant to be sad. I was sincere when I told them I had left Emma’s house with her still in bed. My parents vouched that they had not heard me come home but that I was there in the morning when they woke up. My brother even went as far as to say she had heard me come home the night before. Once the officials figured out that I knew nothing of her whereabouts they gave up on me and I was terminated as a lead in her case. It was a short process. Three days.

Kay came to me shortly after that, they are worried that I won’t find anyone to fill Emma’s spot in the plan. I thought maybe I could get my brother, Sam, to fill. I certainly trust him, but he is over a year younger than me and wont even get his Panel done for another 8 months. I couldn’t risk trying to get him to hurry up either. He won’t even be 18 for his own Procedure. If I am lucky he will take the extra year of schooling, I could never ask him to do his Procedure at 16. 

I thought briefly about when I first chose the other four. It was back when I was friends with Leah. She had thought of herself as this kind of leader. She planned when we hung out and who talked to who and what was said. Nothing was ever done without Leah. When I first chose the other four I was stuck between Leah and Amy. I had just met Amy, but in the few months I had known her I already trusted her more than Leah. When I chose Amy we naturally started to do things without Leah, we couldn’t let her know what was going on. But, she started to get this idea in her head that we had replaced her with Amy, made a whole scene about it in the school lobby, in front of nearly our entire graduating class. I remember being so embarrassed for her that we never really talked to her again.

Her ego is a little fragile, but she now has her little group of wannabes and they follow her so religiously that she can get away with anything. Now that she is a Government Official she thinks she can get away with murder. 

For the briefest moment I though maybe I would choose Leah. At the very least I would get to see her face when she realized how much lesser she truly was, and it would give me the final word to our earlier argument. And if she said no her memory would be wiped of it anyway and I would get to keep that nice little moment of proving her wrong to myself. I quickly pushed down the idea, not just because it was extremely catty and immature. She had been full of drama and sneaky when she had been a part of my group of friends and I wouldn’t be able to trust her with my life if she had said yes. Nobody says it but I don’t think she’s right in the head either. Not like Amy or Emily or even me, but bonafide crazy. She had gotten a Career as a Government Official though, which would really help the plan. At the end of the day I would only be able to let people who I trusted in on the plan and Leah was definitely not to be trusted.

I told the Black Tens that I would think of someone and they told me I had a week. I confronted the others about it and nobody else could think of someone either. We were all a little heart broken at Emma’s disappearance and weren’t really set on finding her replacement.

I have to wear Emma’s ring until we find someone else to take her spot. I keep twisting it around my finger, trying to make it feel less like a vise, make it feel less like a reminder of Emma’s betrayal. I twist it round and round, trying to think what went through her head as she packed her bag and wrote that note. Twist. Try to think what went through her head as she took the ring off her finger and placed it next to my sleeping form and ran out the door. Twist. Try to think of went through her head when she realized that she would never be able to return, never see us again if we fail at the plan. Twist. Try to think what went through her head when she ran down the block, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, running to a place where the Panel and Government and memory wipe can’t get her.

And then I realize exactly what she is thinking: freedom.

And that is why the Black Tens are the good guys, because they can give us that sliver of hope that one day we will all be free. One day this will all be over and we can lay our heads down to sleep and wake up in the morning without being abandoned. We can wake up free. I just don’t think Emma realized that.

What I will say though is now that Emma is gone I think about music more and more. I had a distant relative who was absolutely obsessed with it and had a library of about 10,000 songs that she kept on a small memory card. We found the memory card in some boxes in our family storage unit when I was about 8. That was when I really became obsessed with music. I took all of it and downloaded it on my tablet the second I got one. We all get tablets when we turn 10. They hold our school books, and let us communicate, and give us access to the Library of Censorship. Everyone carries their tablet with them wherever they go. They take away the tablets when you start your Career and give you a smaller one that has more memory and is more specified to your field. You likely know this since you already have a Career but I don’t know if they explained the tablets to you.

There are so many songs on my tablet that I still haven’t listened to them all. I’m lucky to have had access to so much music. Emma and I used to spend hours when we first met comparing libraries and showing each other songs. Now I spend hours trying to memorize every song in the library. I want to have every word burned into my brain. I want to soak everything in.

I know that you likely don’t like music, since you have had the Procedure done, but I want to share some songs with you. A little bit ago I told you to find an artist named Emma Jacobs. You won’t find her anymore, you probably figured that out when I originally wrote you. I didn’t know she would run away at the time.

There will be a list of songs at the end of these letters. I want you to burn that song in your brain. I want you to listen to each until you know every word. I want you to listen to them until you love them. I think of all people you deserve to get music back. You can find all these songs on your tablet in the public libraries, under “Soak in the Music”. If I’m really lucky they will still be there when you get these letters. I’ll see if I can get Amy to do anything to make it harder to take the playlist down.

Love Always,

Lilly