halcyon {joe sugg & caspar lee}

fifteen

Caspar couldn't count the hours on one hand that Joe stayed out for. It was around 6 o'clock Caspar heard the front door open from his bedroom where he sat editing a video (he had to do something to keep himself occupied). He didn't know what to do; did Joe want him to go upstairs? Or did he want him to stay down in his room where they could avoid each other?

His questions were answered when he heard a, "Caspar!"

Caspar's heart melted a little at the sound of his voice, because his voice meant he was alive. It had crossed Caspar's mind that Joe might have... well, he didn't want to think about that.

Caspar jumped up the stairs two at a time to where Joe stood waiting by the door. He was pacing again, something Caspar had become accustomed to him doing when he was stressed.

"Joe..." he began

"No. Sh. Let me talk," Joe commanded, putting a finger to Caspar's lips. He shook his head once, his blond hair flying to each side of his face like a golden halo, and steadied himself in front of Caspar. His eyebrows were furrowed like he was reading him.

"You've talked, now it's my turn," Joe took a deep breath, "I need you, Caspar. You know I need you, which is why I'm not getting as mad at you as you thought I would be. You know I need you in my life, now more than anything. Loosing you would be... it would be the worst thing to ever happen to me. Alfie. Do you love him?"

Caspar shook his head.

"And you swear to me that it was just something that happened and will never happen again?"

"I don't want it to ever happen again."

"Tell me you swear."

"I swear."

Joe nodded, almost triumphantly, "right. We're not telling Alfie; and it's not because I like him and I want to protect him, it's because of Zoe. You know how bad she's been getting; this would push her over the edge. And you know how much she loves Alfie. So this is going to stay a secret and if it doesn't... you'll lose me, Caspar. I know that sounds like a threat and I don't want it to be, honestly. But I don't how else to put it."

Caspar nodded, "okay. Okay... But Joe, please don't get mad at me, we need to talk about you. I know you don't want to..." Caspar felt his eyes watering, and his lip was shaking as he spoke, "but we need to. I..."

He fought back the courage to tell Joe the three words that would ruin everything. He was going to tell Joe, but not now. It wasn't the right time or place.

Caspar took a seat on the couch, Joe following him. They sat close, so close that in the silent apartment Caspar could hear Joe's heartbeat. Caspar, close to breaking down himself, placed an arm around Joe. Despite being out all day, Joe felt surprisingly warm like he always did.

"I know you want to help me, but the best way you can help me is by pretending this isn't happening. I know nothing's going to be the same now but I'd really like to at least try to. You're the only thing I have that isn't..." Joe gestured to himself, "this. I'm a complete mess, Casp. I'm going to get better, just not now. "

"You can't go on like this forever," Caspar pulled the older boy closer to him, Joe finally melting under his touch. He rested his head on Caspar's shoulder and moved as close as he could to him.

"I know."

"I'm going to be here for you."

"I know."

"You need help, Joe."

Joe shook his head against Caspar, "no. I don't want help."

"I don't want you to end up like your aunt, trapped with nobody to talk to."

"I don't want to talk about her."

"Is there anything you do want to talk about?"

There was a long pause.

"Us."

Caspar felt his heartbeat quicken, "what about us?"

"What are we, Casp?"

"We're Joe and Caspar."

"Very funny. No, I mean, what are we? What are Joe and Caspar?"

"Best friends, roommates, YouTubers?" Caspar suggested.

"I guess you're right," Joe sighed. He moved away from Caspar, who knew, he just missed his chance.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. What was he doing? He didn't even know how he felt about himself, so how was he supposed to know how he felt about Caspar? Was he feeling anything for Caspar? Like he said, they were best friends, roommates. Why did Joe even ask the question?

Joe put it down to how upset he was after everything that happened. He was so lucky to have Caspar in his life; but he wasn't ready for help yet. He didn't want it. He was perfectly happy being sad, in fact, it seemed to be the only thing that actually made him happy. Without the sadness, he was nothing. And he had been nothing before, he couldn't go back to it.

But you're a nothing now, a voice inside his head reminded him, nothing compared to your sister, nothing compared to your friends. Pathetic. Why didn't Caspar tell you, his supposed best friend, about him being gay first? Because you don't matter to him. He doesn't need you, neither does anyone else. You can easily be replaced, and you will be.

Joe hadn't realised what he did until his knuckles were throbbing for the second time that day. There was a dent in the wall the perfect size of his hand. And for the fourth time that day, Joe thought about death.

Caspar heard the crack from downstairs. He'd been left alone; again. Of course he didn't think anything would go back to normal, it probably never would, but after they fought they always did something together, like play a game of Fifa, to make it up to one another. They were really broken this time.

Caspar's phone rang, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Unknown is calling.

"Hello?" Caspar answered, not thinking anything of the mysterious unknown number.

"I know what you did. And you're going to regret it."

+this is such a bad chapter ugh